


Their Beginning •Book one of “We Made It”•

by ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry



Series: We Made It [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 40s stucky, Canon Compliant, Captain America: The First Avenger, I don’t really know, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, My First Fanfic, bucky only has one sister, her name is jemma, it’s all stucky, i’m a beginner sorry, kinda sad, they’re so gay omg, this is on wattpad too, we made it series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28678680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry/pseuds/ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry
Summary: •This is book one of the "We made it" series. It is based off of Captain America: The First Avenger•Jemma Winter Barnes is the twin sister of James Buchanan Barnes. The Barnes twins were extremely close to a young boy named Steve. Looking back on their time together in the 40's, Jemma realizes that maybe her two best friends had more than platonic feelings toward each other.What happens after a series of events makes the boys lose Jemma, leaving them to only have each other?All characters in this story belong to Marvel, unless they are not found in the movies and/or comic books. It is completely a work of fiction, and I am only a fan.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: We Made It [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101971
Kudos: 3





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for checking this out. It’s one of my first fics that I’ve actually stuck with. I hope you like it! Please feel free to give me suggestions. Trust me, it gets better as it goes.

"  
they looked at each other like they were almost lovers,  
like they should have kissed and made love and laughed in bed together,  
but they chose to stay friends instead.  
"

These stories are written by me, but the characters belong to the Marvel universe.


	2. I Didn’t Know What Was Happening.

I was there when Bucky met Steve. Steve was in one of his very first fights, but he wasn't using the right form at all. Bucky's face lit up like never before. Steve's whole face was bleeding and his lip was busted. I was about to step in, but Bucky held me back with his forearm. I remember him smirking, "No worries, Jem. I've got it." I was confused, Bucky usually never stepped in between fights. I didn't ask, though. "What's the problem, boys?"

The kid that Steve was fighting was my very own ex-boyfriend. He must've been the reason that Bucky decided to step in. Bucky was waiting for a chance to sock him anyway. 

His name was Charles Harris. He was a snob, and I didn't know how I could have ever liked him. But I did. And he took me on rich dates with his dad's fancy car. Then I found him in that car with another girl. Bucky didn't know that part, though. Or at least I didn't think so. 

Steve spoke up, "This guy's trying to take my money, so I'm teaching him a lesson."

"You ain't teachin' me anything." Then he looked at me and his smirk grew. "How ya doin', James? Your sister looks amazing, as always."

"It's Bucky. And don't look at my sister, asshole." Then Bucky punched him. I heard the crack of his nose and sighed. I heard a string of insults escape Bucky's mouth as I pulled Steve to the side.

"You alright?" I went to touch his lip and he flinched.

"Fine. Your brother," he gestured to Bucky, "didn't have to step in for me."

"You would've been laying on the ground in two minutes, tops, kid. Trust me."

"I can do this all day. I never give up a fight that's needed. And this guy needed it."

I glanced at Charles and Bucky. Bucky's lip had a small scratch on it, but now Charles was looking more like this kid here. "Listen, you seem like you have good intentions, but your form's all wrong. You're gonna end up breaking something if you can even get one good punch in." I heard Charles hit the ground and couldn't help but grin. "What's your name anyway?"

"I, uh," he wiped the blood from his mouth, "I"m Steve. Rogers. Steven Rogers."

Bucky walked over to us, swinging an arm over my shoulders. "Nice to meet ya, Steven Rogers. I'm Jemma Barnes. And this is my brother, James."

"It's Bucky," he rolled his eyes. Then those eyes glanced down and saw how baggy Steve's clothes were. "You should come home with us. We can clean you up and feed you. That way your mama don't find out you were fighting."

"My mama doesn't care if I fight. I was protecting myself, and she believes in what's right. I don't need your pity."

"We aren't pitying you." I looked him up and down. I had felt bad for him. Truly. But I didn't mention it.

"Yeah, Stevie." Steve blushed, and I saw Bucky smirk. "No pity here. But you do need help with your fighting. And we're just your guys. Well, I'm your guy; she's your girl."

"You- you guys are gonna help me?"

Bucky put his other arm around Steve and started walking out of the alley. I followed after. "Of course. We're the best fighters in Brooklyn." To my surprise, Steve didn't seem shocked that I fought. Maybe he was shocked, but he was too busy staring at my twin to say anything. Either way, I was glad he didn't question me like other guys do. And it's not like I fought all the time. I just knew how to box, in case I was ever attacked. 

"Oh. Well, thank you, I guess. I've always needed to learn to fight. I just didn't have anyone to teach me."

"What about your dad?" Bucky instantly turned and glared at me, causing my face to flush. "Sorry. I wasn't meaning to be rude."

"It's fine. He died a while back." Steve shrugged, but I instantly regretted mentioning it.

"Oh. Well you have us," I sent him a smile. I tried to hide my pity, but I'm sure it was noticeable. I've never been good at hiding my emotions.

"So, you're good at fighting then?"

Bucky finally dropped his arms. "She is. Almost as good as me." He tilted his chin to the right, pointing the way to our house.

I elbowed his arm. "I'm better than you. I'm going to fight in the war." Then I sighed, "If they'll let me, at least."

"Me too." Steve appeared to be walking pretty fast. We were quite taller than him, so his steps were probably smaller. I tried to walk a bit slower without being obvious. "I'd really love to help fight."

"Well, frankly, I don't think either of you should enlist."

"You don't think I can do it?" Steve sounded breathless. He was taking deep, shaky breaths. He sounded like he had just made out with someone. By the looks of it, Bucky wanted to be the one who made Steve sound like that. "Because I can. You don't even know me. I-" He stopped talking abruptly. His breathing increased. His hand stumbled around his pocket.

Bucky grabbed his arm. "Lad, hold on. Wait a minute. What's going on?"

"I- I have asthma." He ripped his arm from Bucky. "I'm looking for my cigarettes."

Bucky stepped back; he looked surprised. I tilted my head, "You have asthma?"

Steve lit a cigarette. "Yeah, and?"

"And you think you're going to go to war?"

"It's not a big deal," Steve blew smoke from his mouth. "I can handle it. I need to."

"Why d'ya need to?" Bucky usually didn't have much of an accent, but around Steve, it showed. Bucky's eyes still shined; I didn't know what was going on. Looking back, though, it's obvious. "The war has plenty of soldiers already. You don't need to do anything. So why do you want to fight?"

"I don't like bullies. That's all they are overseas. I'm going to stop them."

I was amazed. "You seem like a great guy, Steve. We really do need to teach you to fight." I gestured in front of me. "Go ahead, kid. Lead the way."

"But I don't know where we're going?" He stopped mid-step. "Wait, you guys aren't taking me to another alley, are you? Because if you wanted to beat me up, you could've just done it back there."

I rolled my eyes. "We aren't going to beat you up, Steve. Trust me, we would've done it already." I pushed him forward a little bit. "We'll tell you the way."

Steve seemed unsure, but continued forward anyway. I went to follow him, but Bucky grabbed my arm. "You need to leave Steve alone, Jemma." The light in his eyes was gone, and he was no longer smiling.

"Wai- Wha- Why?"

He looked around. "I just-" He looked at Steve and I saw the light in his eye coming back. I still didn't understand why he looked like that suddenly. "I don't want to see you hurt again. I saw the way you were acting with Steve. It's how you always act when you like a guy." He was still looking at Steve.

"So? Steve seems like a great person. And he's handsome."

"I know, but we don't really know him." He knows?

Steve looked back. "Are you guys coming?"

Bucky nodded, "Sir, yes, sir." Then he winked. Winked? He focused his attention back on me. "Just play it safe, alright?" Before I could even nod, he was catching up to Steve.

I sighed. Something was definitely going on.

When we got to our house, Bucky immediately turned to me. "Go tell Mom what's happening. I'm gonna go clean this kid's face." He pointed a thumb in Steve's direction.

"I'm not a kid," Steve rubbed his face. Somehow my mind had blocked out the blood covering his face this whole time. I sighed and nodded, walking into our house. I glanced back and saw Steve's awestruck face. I realized how rich we must seem to him. The thought made me feel guilty. I turned around and headed to the kitchen.

"Mom?" I opened the swinging door and saw my mom. I grinned and hugged her. "Hey, Mama."

"Hi, Jemma, honey. How was your day?"

"Good, but I have to tell you something." I sighed. "We kinda bought something, or someone, home. Or Bucky did, at least."

My mom's eyes had lit up. "Oh, wonderful! A girl?"

"No. A boy. But he's just a guy we met. He needed help."

"A boy?" Mom's voice implied something that is now true. But then we didn't know, or at least I didn't.

I shook my head, though I wasn't even sure. "No, they're just friends. But he's upstairs. Bucky's helping him get cleaned up." I looked at the door leading to the stairs. "We were just wondering if Steve could stay for dinner." I leaned in a little bit, not wanting Steve to hear the pity he really didn't want. Then I whispered, "Maybe bring some home for his mom, too."

Mom's eyes widened in realization, but she didn't add a comment to what I said. "Oh. Well, dinner's almost ready. Better go get those boys." 

I nodded, thankful for her not questioning me. I hated being questioned, especially when I didn't know the answers. I opened the door and headed upstairs to the bathroom, where I figured Bucky was cleaning Steve up. But when I opened the door, no one was there. "Bucky?" I heard a quiet chuckle come from his room at the end of the hall, so I headed there.

I was about to knock on the door when I saw Bucky lean toward Steve through the crack. Steve's face was clear and his blue eyes were bright. They stood out against Bucky's dark jacket. He whispered, "Stevie..." It was almost a moan. I didn't want to hear that sound come out of my brother's mouth ever again. It was weird, and gross. 

Bucky's eyes closed and he nudged Steve's cheek with his nose. Steve tilted his head. His eyes closed immediately. I covered my mouth to muffle my gasp. Bucky touched Steve's cheek. He pulled their faces closer together slightly, so I took a step backwards. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. I opened my eyes and stepped back to the door. I plastered a fake smile on my lips and knocked. "Hey guys. Time for dinner." I saw them jump apart. I nudged the door open, "Better hurry before I get it all." I winked before taking off downstairs. I heard Bucky laugh as he followed me.

I pushed the kitchen door open, holding it open with my hip for the two racing boys behind me. Well, one racing boy. Steve definitely wasn't racing. I smiled at him as he walked through. "Thanks, Jemma," he nodded at me.

"Mama," Bucky kissed her cheek as she laid out plated on the table. He nodded toward Steve, who was practically shaking. His smile looked uncomfortable. As he was messing with the ends of his sleeves, Bucky pulled him forward. "This is Steve. He'll be joining us for dinner. And we're going to teach him to fight."

"We?" I blushed when Mom shook her head at me. I looked at the ground. Steve glanced at me.

"Oh, ma'am. This is all unnecessary. I really should be getting home. I don't want to be rude and intrude."

My mom stopped glaring at me long enough to smile sweetly at Steve. "Well, I've already set your plate, so it'd be rude not to eat with us."

Bucky grinned and pulled Steve to the table. "My dad should be home soon. He's a soldier." We all sat down; after seeing what happened upstairs, I lost my appetite. 

I saw the same light in Steve's eyes that was in Bucky's. I wondered if they were thinking of what almost happened in the bedroom. What almost happened before I interrupted. Mom took a bite, "Are you a soldier, too, Steve?"

Steve looked away from Bucky, but Bucky continued staring. His face was so soft. He looked happier with this kid he just met then I've ever seen him. Steve's smile grew (though, I would've deemed that impossible beforehand), "Not yet, but I plan to enlist as soon as possible."

Bucky's smile faltered at that. He stared at his plate and sighed almost inaudibly. My mom saw him and understood almost immediately. She already saw how he felt about Steve, before I could even actually guess. I still believed the bedroom incident was a mistake. I wasn't sure how she already understood when she hadn't even been upstairs.

"That's another reason why we're planning to teach him to fight, Mom," I decided to join the conversation to dismiss my own thoughts. But I knew I'd think of them again later.


	3. The Note

I laid in bed for at least two hours thinking over the day. I wasn't sure how I felt about any of it. I was sure I had liked Steve Rogers. He was super handsome, though he was a bit short, and he was a great man. He seemed really nice and caring. He obviously knew how to genuinely take care of a girl. Which brought me to my next thought: Why did Bucky tell me to stay away from Steve?

Unless...

I immediately sat up. How had I not realized it before? Bucky liked Steve. And as far as I could tell, it was pretty intense. I wasn't sure how Steve felt, but I was positive that Bucky wanted to make a move. Boys don't date boys, though. I think they're soulmates either way. I could see their chemistry in that almost-kiss I saw. I wish I had that. 

I lay back down and thought about what happened after dinner. We had sat down and talked to Mom for a couple minutes before taking Steve to Bucky's room. There, we taught him the correct fighting stance and how to protect his thumbs. I half-expected Bucky to step behind Steve and make a move. When I went downstairs to get a glass of water, I'm sure he did try to pull that. It's unnecessary, though. It seemed that Steve already loved Bucky, but I'm not sure it was the way Bucky wanted. At the moment, it seemed Steve was looking up to him (figuratively and literally). I think Steve just loved Bucky as a brother. But I have no clue. Steve had leaned in, too. 

Steve had caught on to the things Bucky had shown him quite quickly. I was surprised, to say the least. Though Steve had learned the fighting form, I don't think he'd be able to remember to do it in an actual fight. It's a lot when different when someone's in your face.

At the end of the night, we walked Steve back to his house. He had some leftovers from the house to bring back for him and his mom. When we got to his door, Steve and Bucky just stood there, staring at each other. A part of me wondered if they would've done more than kiss in his bedroom if I hadn't walked in. I cleared my throat and knocked.

A young, beautiful woman opened the door. She had long, blonde hair and her eyes were a bright blue. Just like Steve's. He definitely took after his mom, in the looks department at least. "Hello, Ms. Rogers. I'm Jemma Barnes. I'm sorry for any trouble caused; we had brought Steve to our house for dinner."

"Oh. Hello, sweetie. Please call me Sarah. And it's no problem at all. I do wish Steve would've told me he was with such a pretty girl beforehand." I immediately blushed.

Steve stepped forward, beaming. He held up the leftovers, "I brought some food back, Mama. And they were, uh, teaching me to fight."

Bucky slung his left arm across Steve's shoulders and put his good-boy act on. My brother really was a good person, but his charming smile was so obviously fake. Everyone fell for it anyway. Sticking his right hand out, he introduced himself. "Hello, Ms. Sarah Rogers. I'm Bucky Barnes and I think your son is going to be one of my longest friends." Steve blushed. "Your son was incredibly polite the whole dinner. My mama told me to thank you for that. Also, I'd just like to add that I apologize for coming so late into the night. Your son did very well on our first fighting lesson, though. I was hoping he could come over again soon, so we could help him a bit more."

"That would be completely fine, Bucky. You seem like a good kid. Though I am okay with him coming over again, I'm curious if I can come over next time. I'd like to see who your parents are and everything. If that's alright."

I smiled, "That'll be no problem, I'm sure."

"Perfect. Thank you guys so much," Sarah stepped to the side, so Steve could walk through. 

"Bye guys," Steve lifted a hand to wave, but Bucky hugged him. I felt my breathing falter and grinned. Thankfully, Sarah seemed oblivious to what was happening. Steve turned pink, but hugged back.

Bucky patted his back, "See ya, punk."

Steve waved to me, so I smiled back before he walked inside. Bucky walked to the street. "Bye, Mrs. Rogers."

"Bye, Bucky. Before you leave, I'd like to have a quick word with your sister."

Bucky looked like he was about to protest, but then his eyes glazed over. He nodded. He must've realized that he needs to be polite since she's Steve's mother. Bucky was always polite, but he had also always been overprotective of me. He stood there now with his hands holding his belt.

"I was just wondering if you were helping Steve fight as well?" I wasn't sure how to respond. Some people were really against the thought of a girl fighting, and I didn't want us to lose our friendship with Steve. But lying could cause the same fate. I looked down and nodded. "Really? That's wonderful! You must be a strong young lady. I'm glad Steve has met you two."

"We're glad we met him, too," I looked back up and smiled genuinely. "Thank you, ma'am. But I think we should head home. I hope you enjoy the food."

"Oh, of course. I'm sure I will. Thank you, honey." She walked back inside and shut the door. 

I turned and skipped to where Bucky was standing. "What was that about?"

I shrugged and started walking. I could feel Bucky a step behind me. "She wanted to know if I was helping you and Steve."

"Why?" 

"I don't know, Bucky. Maybe she was just curious. It is her son, so even if she has other children, she still has every reason to question us. It's not a big deal."

"She doesn't have any other children."

"What?"

"Steve's an only child."

"How do you know?"

Bucky shrugged and kicked a rock. "He told me."

"When? The two seconds I went to the bathroom while we were training him?"

"No! We talked while I cleaned his face." And almost kissed his face, I thought. "What's it matter?"

I huffed, "It doesn't. I was just curious."

"Okay."

The rest of our walk home had been silent. It was strange.

I woke up a month later to yelling. Not a lot had occured since the first day we met Steve. I continued catching them sitting really close together and they shared glances behind my back. We continued teaching Steve to fight every week, but we were together every day. Bucky got into the habit of checking alleyways for a fighting Steve. Bucky would finish the fight while I talked to Steve. 

I rushed to the room adjacent to mine. Bucky. I pushed the door open, but stopped at a tiny crack. I finally heard what Bucky was actually yelling. 

"Steve. No, Steve!" Bucky was practically shaking. His face was shriveled up. "Please don't hurt him. Take me instead. Please. They don't deserve this." They? "Run, Jemma. Steve, go. I'll hold them-" He screamed.

His scream made me finally unfreeze and I raced forward. I shook him awake. "Bucky. Buck. Wake up. It was just a dream." It wasn't working. He continued mumbling, so I yelled his full name. Then I did something I might regret. "James Buchanan Barnes!" Slap. I jumped backwards as he sat up immediately.

He looked around the room. He hugged me while he continued scanning the room. "I'm so glad you're okay. Where's Steve? What's going on? Are we in my room?"

I shook my head. "Bucky. It was just your dream. Everything's fine. Steve's at his house, probably asleep. We're in your room. It was just a dream."

He rubbed his eyes. "It was so real, though."

I sat on his bed and rubbed his arm. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head, "You can go back to bed."

I sighed and looked at the ground. "Bucky. You don't have to always try to protect me. You're not my big brother, you're my twin brother. You protect me, but I also protect you. I want to be here for you. So, if you really don't want to talk about it, then don't. But don't ignore me because you're trying to protect me. I can handle it, Buck."

He shook his head again, but this time he smiled. "Sometimes I think you're too brave." I grinned. He moved backwards, so we could both comfortably look at each other. "Ready for this?" I nodded, and he sighed. "No interrupting," I nodded again. "So, in my dream, we were back in the basement helping Steve. Then Dad ran downstairs and told us to run. But, before we could even actually do anything, Dad was shot right in the back. It was never shown or told to me that Mom was dead, but I knew. The guy who shot Dad came downstairs. He was a... was a Nazi, sis. He pointed his gun right at Steve and told us to surrender. He said if I didn't give you to them then they'd shoot Steve. But, I couldn't let either of those things happen, so I just kept trying to fight the Nazi. It just... I'm not really sure how I'd be able to survive the situation in real life."

"I... wow. Well, why did they want me?"

Bucky looked down for a second. He shrugged when he looked back up. I knew he knew why though. I just wasn't sure why he wasn't telling me. "I'm not sure. Either way, it's not a big deal."

"Bucky?"

"Yeah, Jem?" He tilted his head.

"What if that happens?" He looked confused so I added, "Your dream. What if it actually happens? Or at least something similar to it?"

He laughed through his nose. "Trust me, it won't."

"What do you mean?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Something else happened in my dream. Right before Dad got shot and everything."

I groaned, realizing that I'd have to continue asking questions before he'd actually tell me. "What else happened, Bucky?"

"Steve and I kissed in my dream. It was... I... We were in love. And since that'll obviously never happen, then none of it will."

"I saw you guys," I kept my voice below a whisper. Though I wanted to say it out loud, I wasn't sure if I wanted Bucky to hear me.

"Saw us?" Bucky's breaths were shaky.

I tried to make my voice even lower. I didn't want our parents overhearing us. "In your bedroom."

"What about it?" I could hear his anger, but I knew he was trying to hold it back from me. 

"I, uh, I saw you guys," the last words were inaudible, "almost kiss." I put my head in my hands, "I'm so sorry, Bucky." My voice broke and I could feel the tears spilling from my eyes.

"You were spying on us?" Bucky stood up, enraged. I had no clue why my parents hadn't come in yet.

My tears cleared up quickly. My guilt was replaced with fear. I could feel my heart rate speed up. "Bucky, no. Wait. Please." I touched his arm.

"What, Jemma? What could you possibly want to say? Nothing you say can restore my trust for you right now. You had no right to-"

"Bucky, shut up!" I pulled him out his bedroom door. "Don't you think Mum and Dad would've come already? Something must be wrong." Without waiting for a reply, I ran. I went down the hall and knocked on their door. "Mom? Dad?"

Bucky beat on the door. I saw his bottom lip tremble. "George!? Winnifred?" His voice broke, "Anyone?" He reached for the doorknob, but I squeezed his wrist.

"Hold on a minute, Bucky." He turned toward me, and I squeezed his waist. He put his head on my shoulder and I heard his deep breaths. "No matter what we see in there, it'll always be me and you. Okay?" He nodded and mumbled a response. "Let's do this thing, buckaroo." He chuckled and reached for the doorknob again. This time, I let him turn it. He swung the door open and immediately screamed. The scream was identical to the one it had been when he was dreaming. 

George and Winnifred Barnes lay dead on their beds. I wish I could say they looked like they were sleeping, but they definitely did not. There was blood everywhere. I wanted to scream, to yell, to curse, anything. But I couldn't. Bucky raced forward and scrambled my mom into his lap. He was sobbing. "Mama, please. Wake up. Please." When he lifted her to pull her closer to his chest, I saw the bullet hole in her back.

I screamed. Then I collapsed. I didn't know what to do; I hugged my knees to my chest, and rocked back and forth. "What are we supposed to do now?" I whispered it, but there wasn't any other noise to block it out. Bucky didn't answer, just kept stroking our mom's hair. That's when I saw a note laying beside my dad. It was white, like the sheets. My dad's blood was all over the paper, but I had to read it. I inched forward; Bucky didn't notice. 

Bring me Jemma Barnes or everyone else you care about will die, too.

"Buck," my voice was gentle. I didn't want to break in front of him. Bucky would only try to help me, but he needed to help himself mourn. My chest ached. I felt my heart breaking. "Bucky... I found a note."

"A note?" His voice was nasally. He had tears all over his face; he must've tried to wipe them off. "From who?"

I looked at it, blowing air from my cheeks. My hair stuck to my forehead. "I'm not sure. It doesn't have a name."

Bucky rubbed his eyes, then gently placed Mom on the ground. He smiled sadly down at her. "What does it say then?"

I looked up and tried to hide my tears. I was terrified. "They want me." I looked at him and straightened my back. I tilted my head up like we do when we're pretending to be confident. "It says if I don't go to whoever killed our parents, everyone we love dies."

Bucky snorted, "That's dramatic."

"Bucky..." I sighed. "I'm serious. It's just like your dream. I don't think this is a coincidence."

Bucky rolled his eyes, "Jem, chill. It's not my dream. I can't predict the future; that's impossible."

I shrugged, "Well, I think it's weird either way."

"Good thing you don't have to go."

"What do you mean? The note said-"

"The note said they'd kill everyone we care about. We don't have anyone else, Jemma. So, we're fine. You don't have to turn yourself in and I don't need to worry about you doing it." He rubbed our mom's face. "We'll have to call someone. To come help us. All of their friends and Dad's fellow soldiers. Then maybe we can enlist with them afterward. We'll need jobs anyway."

"We do have someone else, though," my voice was still quiet. I sounded like a child again. I was starting to crouch down to make myself feel smaller.

Bucky tilted his head and laughed lightly again. "No we don't. It's always just been us. Without Mom and Dad, it's only me and you. There's never been anyone else and now there never will be."

"What about Steve, though? We both care about Steve," my voice was louder now. "They can't kill Steve, Bucky! They fucking can't!" Now I was yelling. Loudly. 

Bucky stood and walked over to me. He reached for my arms, but I pulled away. "Jemma, calm down. Stop yelling and just chill. Everything will be okay."

"Who gives a shit if I yell? It's just you and me. No one else can hear it. No one else is here to yell at me for being too loud. Because everyone's fucking gone!"

"I give a shit. I'm going through the exact same thing, Jemma, and you don't see me yelling at the top of my lungs."

"Because I'm terrified, Bucky. I have to turn myself in, but I don't want to. Yeah, it was both of our parents who died, but you're not the one being threatened. It's my fault if Steve dies, so he can't. If we, no- if I get him killed, neither of us will be able to forgive me."

"They aren't going to kill Steve!" Bucky was throwing his hands around. "And if they do, so what? We'll still have each other." Though his words sounded true, I could tell he was lying by his eyes. His eyes showed his fear. His love. 

"That's bullshit, Buck, and we both know it." I looked at Dad again and sighed. "We couldn't save them, but we have the chance to save Steve and everyone else we love. You have to let me." Running a hand down my face, I continued, "And it's not like they're going to kill me or anything. If they were, they would've done it already."

"I wish they would've given us a deadline. Then I'd at least have time to come up with your escape plan."

I shook my head, and smiled. It was fake, but I tried to make it reassuring. It'd be hard enough to convince Bucky to let me go, but if he found out I was scared, it'd be impossible. "Bucky, this is an immediate decision. There's no use for a deadline. I'm either coming or I'm not. A deadline doesn't change that."

He avoided my eyes, choosing to look around the room instead. Then he glanced at our dead parents. I now knew his decision was made. Bucky was too selfless to hold me back and kill Steve. I sighed. It was shaky. Then I laughed. Hard and long. Loudly.

"It's fine, Bucky. I get it. And it's not like they're gonna kill me or anything. If they were, they would've done it already."

Bucky wouldn't look me in the eyes. "Let me come with you. I can help you, Jemma. You know I can. I'm good at fighting."

"I have an idea."

"What?"

"Let's get Steve. He can help us. We need Sarah anyway. I don't know how to plan a funeral for my parents. We're still just kids."

He nodded. "Let's at least change and rinse off a bit. Then we can go."

"I hope they'll help us."

Bucky's jaw clenched. "They will." Then he walked out. As soon as he walked out of the door, I finally let out a sob. I crawled to where my dad lay and rubbed his cheek. He'd always been an amazing soldier, but he'd been an even better dad. He'd always been there for us. I'm not sure how we were going to survive now. Mom had always been at home waiting for us. Every single day. Now she never would be again. I put a fist in my mouth to cover the sound. 

"I miss you guys so much already," my heart repeatedly broke.

After I felt like I couldn't cry anymore, I walked out of the room. I went to my bathroom and took a shower. I let the hot water wash the blood off of me, and then I stood there for a few minutes, thinking. I'm an orphan now. "Shit, shit, shit, shit. Goddamnit," tears slowly leaked from my eyes. My throat burned. After wiping my eyes roughly with my hands, I got out of the tub. 

I got dressed and walked out of the bathroom. Bucky was standing in his doorway, reading a book. I didn't see what it was before he closed it and smiled at me. "Ready for this, Jem?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," I shrugged.

Bucky was wearing a light blue dress shirt with a dark blue tie. And he was in high waisted blue jeans. He had a belt on because he never went anywhere without one. I looked down at my spotted blue dress with short sleeves. It buttoned at the front and I also had a belt on. I was wearing my heels, while Bucky had on Oxfords. He smirked, "We're matching."

"Just like the old days, bub."

"Is there any reason why you picked blue?"

I shrugged, "Well, most of my dresses are blue since that's my favorite color."

His smirk turned into a smile. "It's Steve's favorite, too." Then he walked to the stairs, motioning for me to follow him. "Let's go."


	4. Turning Myself In

We arrived at Steve's house. Bucky wiped his hands on his jeans before knocking. Sarah opened the door, "Oh. Hello, darlings. Did you want us to come over today?"

"Mrs. Rogers, there's a," his voice cracked, "problem."

"What's wrong. Is everything okay?"

I looked up at the sky to hide my tears. It was dark grey and all the clouds were coming together. It looked beautiful, but I really wasn't in the mood for rain. Rain made everything gloomy. It was the perfect setting for the first worst day of my life.

"Our- our parents are sort of," his hesitation was making my bad mood worse. I could feel my hands shaking as I started sweating. Signs that I was getting angry.

"They're dead," the anger in my voice dripped like the water dropped from the trees. "Murder. Blood fucking everywhere."

"Jemma," Bucky's voice was warning.

"What's going on?" I looked back at Sarah, and now Steve. "Come inside." Steve's presence must have triggered Bucky's sadness. We stepped inside. As soon as Steve started talking, Bucky's tears fell. "Bucky?" I didn't understand how they could be so comfortable together already. Bucky had never been like that with anyone else before.

Bucky stepped back and shook his head. "Sorry for coming here." He touched my arm, "We'll figure it out ourselves."

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to stick with Bucky, he was my other half. He'd always been my best friend and we'd never disagreed when it mattered. But now I disagreed and it definitely mattered this time. I believed in us, but we didn't know what to do. We'd never had to deal with this kind of stuff before. "Bucky..." My anger was gone now. I was numb. My emotions were so confused. One second I was angry and upset, and then the next I'd forget what happened and everything would be okay. "We should stay. We need help. We don't have anyone else."

Sarah spoke up, "I know how to plan it. If you'd like my help. My husband died a couple years ago, and I had to do everything myself. I would've appreciated the help, so I'd be happy to help you two. I know it's tough, but you've got to be strong while dealing with this."

I smiled gratefully. "We'd really appreciate it." Then I remembered my parents' bodies. "Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no."

"What? What's wrong?" Sarah's voice was urgent, which was no surprise. She seemed to have strong mother instincts. 

Bucky answered for me. A perk of being a twin is we usually realized things at the same time. "Our parents... Oh god. They're still just laying there. We didn't know what to do with them. What are we supposed to do? Shit."

Steve stepped forward. "Bucky, it's fine." Before any of us could even blink, he wrapped his arms around Steve's waist. I saw Bucky visibly relax as he returned the hug. He closed his eyes. "Just slow your breathing. Everything's going to be fine. We'll handle it."

My heart started aching again. I was lonely. Bucky's friends had always been my friends. You didn't have one of us without the other. Though I was obviously friends with Steve as well, I knew it wasn't be the same. I sighed.

Bucky's breathing was slowing down, but mine was increasing. I felt like I was getting worse as he healed slowly. It'd only been a few hours, but in Steve's presence, it just disappeared for Bucky. Somehow, we still hadn't guessed that they'd ever be more than best friends. God, I had been so naive.

"Stevie?" Steve mumbled a response. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course, pal." Pal. Looking back on that memory made me chuckle.

"Without my parents, I only have Jemma." My heart warmed and broke at the same time. I was so glad my twin wasn't going to leave me alone, but it really was just us now.

"You have me," my heart went cold. Damnit.

"You okay, sweetheart?"

I was about to nod; I didn't want to bother Sarah. We'd only just met her a month ago and we were already putting so much on her. But then I heard Bucky mumble that Steve was his best friend and I broke. I shook my head and stumbled into Sarah's arms. "I'm so sorry that we just barged in here and dumped all of our problems on here. We were just worried, and we didn't know who else to go to."

"Is that what's wrong? You have no reason to feel guilty about that. I'm not bothered at all. And it's okay to be upset. You just lost both of your parents at once. I couldn't imagine the pain you're suffering through."

"It- it's not just that I'm an- an orphan now," I hiccuped. "We don't- I mean, I don't have anyone else. I don't have a boyfriend anymore, and I've never been good at making friends. It's always just been my family. Now, I just have Bucky, but he... but he has your son."

She rubbed my back, "Sweetie. Steve's your friend, too. He talked about both of you yesterday when he came home. He was happy to meet the both of you, not just Bucky."

I sniffled and looked at Bucky. He wasn't hugging Steve anymore, but Steve was pushing his chest back. What the fuck? Then I saw Bucky's eyes. They narrowed at Sarah and me. He looked worried and upset; his jaw was clenched, along with his fists. He mouthed, "What's wrong?" I knew the only reason he was angry is because I didn't go to him with my tears. But he had gone to Steve and not me.

I glared with my teary blue eyes into his identical ones. "What's wrong with you?"

I saw his anger disappear, quickly replaced with guilt. I looked away and turned my head into Sarah. "I miss my mom already."

"I know, sweetheart. I know."

"It's my fault, though."

"Honey, no it's not. Trust me, you'll want to blame yourself. Just as Bucky will want to blame himself, but it's not your fault or his. I blamed myself for my husband's death. I did for years. It takes time. Sometimes it still hurts today."

I pulled back and wiped my eyes. I backed away and into Bucky. He immediately wrapped his arms around me. "Thank you for trying to comfort me, but it really is my fault. You can even ask Buky. They wouldn't have killed our parents if it wasn't for me." Sarah looked to Bucky, so I waited for him to agree.

I felt him sigh. "Jemma, you know it's not your fault."

I flinched. He was lying to me. "Maybe you don't want Sarah to know, but I want her to. She should know she just hugged a murderer."

"You're not a murderer, Jem! Unless you were the one who personally shot our parents, then you aren't the one who murdered them."

"You saw the note. And even if there wasn't a note, I hadn't heard the gunshots. If I wouldn't have slept through them, then our parents would be dead!"

"I slept through the shots, too!" He waved his hand to the right, his face red. 

"Wait, what note?" Steve was looking back and forth between us.

Bucky tried to wave it off, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it!? How can they not worry about it? It's not nothing, and it's definitely something we should all be worried about." I exploded. I couldn't help it. I had held it in at home, but my shower had just opened my emotions.

"Sweetheart. What did the note say?" Sarah kept calling me sweetheart, but she wouldn't anymore when I answered her question. She'd hate me for being selfish and emotional. Especially if she found out that her and her son were the only people we care about. They'd be the next targets.

Bucky rubbed my arm, but I stepped farther away from him. "The note told us to bring me to the murderers. They were most likely Nazis because they also threatened us. They said that if I don't go to them, they'll kill everyone we care about. They didn't set a deadline, but I'm sure they won't give us long." Then I looked at Bucky. He knew what I was going to say; he saw it in my eyes. He shook his head, eyes wide with emotion. "They're going to come after you two. You're the only people in this world that we care about."

Sarah stepped back, holding her heart. Shock made her drop her mouth open. But before she could say anything about the threat, Steve asked me a question. "Why do they want you?"

I couldn't process his words. "What?"

"Why. Do. They. Want. You." He was asking a question, but he didn't say it like one. "If they're going to go through as much trouble to kill us, then you must know why."

"Steve," Bucky's tone was warning, but his face didn't match. He wouldn't hurt Steve, but apparently Steve didn't know that. He instantly backed away. He saw wha Bucky did to Charles. He just didn't know that Bucky doesn't hurt people he cares about. Ever.

I shrugged. I looked at Sarah. "I don't know. That's why I'm hesitant. But I don't want them to hurt you guys. And I can't let them take Bucky. He's my twin, for fucks sake."

I heard Steve mutter, "Twin?" Out of my peripheral vision, I saw Bucky nod in answer to his question.

"Jemma, sweetie. That's not your fault. You don't have to turn yourself into them. We'll know they're coming and be ready to protect ourselves."

I looked at the ground and whispered, "I'm going to turn myself in."

"What?" Surprisingly, it was Steve who yelled first.

"You can't!" Bucky's yell was obviously the loudest. "Jemma, you can not turn yourself in. I can't lose you. I just lost our parents. So did you. You're just letting your hurt make your decisions for you. That's not the way to do it. I can't fucking lose you."

"Yes you can! If I don't have you, I really don't have anyone. If I'm the one who dies, you'll survive."

"No, I won't. I will be utterly destroyed if you die. I won't be able to live without you. I've never had to before, I wouldn't know what to do."

"I've never had to live without you either!"

"But you'll have other people, Jemma! Everyone at school is obsessed with you. All of the girls want to be friends with you, and even the most polite boys have said things about you that you wouldn't expect. All you'd have to do is talk to someone random, and you'd have a new best friend. I can't do that."

I finally looked up and scoffed. "You totally can. Everyone loves you more than me. The only reason people like me is because I'm your fucking twin. You're so popular, but you're the only person I have, Bucky. And so what if all of those people want to be my friend? The thing is that they aren't my friend. At least you have actual friends."

He threw his hands up. I had forgotten Steve and Sarah were standing with us. "Oh yeah? Who the fuck is my friend other than you?"

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. I was getting annoyed. "Steve's your friend. Your best friend." I needed to turn myself in. Why couldn't he just let me go? Why did Steve have to join in and yell, too? Maybe Bucky would've listened if Steve was willing to agree with me. 

"He's your friend, too!" He gestured wildly to Steve. His dress shirt was no longer tucked in; it had become wrinkly. 

I sighed and shook my head. "He's more your friend than mine, though." I looked at Sarah, "You know. You know I should go. Tell them." Her eyes widened.

"I don't- I mean," She looked at Steve. His mouth was agape; why was he so shocked? "It's just that we only met you a little while ago. I'm not going to risk my son's life for you, sweetie. You seem like a wonderful young lady, and you're very polite. I care for you very much already, but we don't know why they want you. It could be for something really dangerous, and you could be lying about not knowing why either. Maybe you deserve to go. If I knew you only a little bit longer, then maybe I wouldn't be saying this. But I don't, so I am." I smiled gratefully. Though her words hurt, maybe they'd help convince Bucky. I turned to look at him.

"Bucky, you know she's right. We can't sacrifice her and Steve. I'm not worth that. Steve's an amazing person. And like Sarah said, maybe I do deserve it. I have to turn myself in."

Bucky wasn't responding. His face was tightened up as tears fell down his face. I reached out and pulled him toward me. I rubbed his back and whispered, "It'll always be you and me."

"You and me..."

I slowly stepped away, now crying. I was only 16, not ready to die. I flicked Bucky's forehead, pretending everything was okay. "I love you, other half. Thank you."

"I love you more," his voice was raw. You could tell he had been crying. My throat burned.

"Can you help Bucky with our parents?" Sarah nodded sadly. I could tell she was sorry, but I understood why she said what she did. I turned back to Steve, "Take care of my brother, okay? You're his only best friend now." At this, Steve let a tear slip.

I heard Bucky's sobs as I walked out the door. I wanted to turn around, but I forced my legs to keep moving. I clenched my fists to keep my hands from shaking. I was about to turn the corner to go back to my house when I heard Bucky yell my name. I looked back; Steve was trying to hold him back as he stepped out the door. A sob escaped from my mouth while I ran to my house. As soon as I opened the door, I started screaming. "I'm here. Come fucking get me. I'm ready to surrender myself. Please don't hurt them."

The last thing I remembered was a tall man grabbing me. Then everything was black- cliche, right?

That day was a lot to handle, but my torture isn't important to this story. What is important is what I found out after Hydra captured me. Obviously I didn't die, but I had been in Hydra's possession for almost a year. The only reason I won't go super into detail for this part of my life is because Steve and Bucky weren't in it. They had their own story during my capture, which most people know about. I'm so glad Bucky had Steve and was able to move past my life. Unfortunately, they couldn't torture the knowledge that I had a twin out of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This was a lot. I hope you liked it, though. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at writing. I'm slowly getting better though. :)


	5. Flashbacks

When I was being tortured by Hydra, I had seen so many flashbacks of moments I had with many people I've met. Charles, Steve, Bucky, and my parents. Seeing Bucky hurt a lot, but it was seeing my parents dead that broke me everytime.

Something weird happened eventually, though. I hadn't noticed until the third month, but once I realized it, it stressed me out a lot. I thought they were finally breaking me; I thought I was hallucinating. They would put me to sleep and then torture me until I woke up, but when I was alseep, I saw things that I'd never seen before. They happened just like my flashbacks had, except they weren't real.

[sleeping] 

Steve was wearing a baggy, tan suit. He was still small, but that didn't stop him from trying to beat up a bigger kid again. His face was busted up. I heard him say "I can do this all day." I remembered the first time he said that, to me. Another hit knocked him to the ground.

That's when my brother showed up. His bright blue eyes that were identical to mine shined under his hat. He grabbed the kid that Steve was fighting and pushed him away. His deep voice brought tears to my eyes. "Hey! Pick on someone your own size." 

The kid tried to punch Bucky, but Bucky dodged it. He threw his own punch and kicked the kid away. After the kid walked away, he walked to Steve. He said something to Steve but I couldn't hear it. Steve wiped his bloody face and said, "I had him on the ropes." 

I saw then how skinny Steve really was. Bucky was still a lot taller than Bucky. I wondered why Steve was so skinny now; how would Bucky allow that? 

Bucky was saying something about Steve lying on his enlistment forms. That wasn't surprising at all. I remembered how determined Steve was to go to war when we first met him. But when Steve looked up, he saw Bucky's army uniform. "You get your orders?" Steve looked confused, showing my emotion perfectly. Bucky had never wanted to go to war; why would he enlist? 

Bucky looked down. I heard his shaky breath. I saw him lift his chin. That's what we both always did to pretend to be confident. Bucky smirked, but it was fake. "107th." Bucky looked scared, but he licked his lips. Liar. Maybe he got drafted. If he was really scared, he wouldn't enlist. I doubt he would've enlisted anyway. He can't protect Steve if he's not there. 

He's leaving tomorrow. He's going to England. I wonder if he'll be near me. I wonder if I'll know if he is. 

Steve shook his head, "I should be going." But he really shouldn't be. His health was too bad. I wondered for the first time where Sarah was. I wondered if she knew he was enlisting.

I thought back to the time we were trying to teach him to fight. Dad had come downstairs to help us. He fake fought with Bucky to show Steve some moves. I wondered if Bucky was still helping him. I wish I could ask.

Bucky looked upset when Steve said that. I knew he agreed with me. He looked Steve up and down, then grinned. Smacking Steve on the back, he chuckled, "Come on, man." He slung an arm around Steve; I missed when he would always do that to me.

Bucky still had that same look in his eye like he always did when he saw Steve, but now I almost saw it in Steve's eye, too. I realized then that I had never seen this before. I was really being brainwashed now. Hallucination would take away the real memories I had once had.

Bucky threw some papers to his left, "It's my last night. We've gotta get you cleaned up." Ah, I remember the first time he helped clean Steve up. I remember the almost kiss. I bet they'd never finished it. They were both boys after all. Bucky wouldn't risk his friendship for an illegal relationship. I was probably mistaking his feelings for what they really were: just brotherly love. 

"Wake her up! Wake her the fuck up!" Where was that coming from? I tried to look around, but I only saw Steve and Bucky. "We need to tell her. Wake her up! This will really break her." I felt a giant shock, then I woke up.

[no longer asleep]

I realized I had just had a flashback of a moment during torture. That had never happened before. It was strange, but it definitely messed with my mind. Just like they wanted.

I screamed until they held my mouth shut. "Shut up, soldier. We have news for you." I stopped screaming. I tried not to let hope get the best of me, but I instantly felt my mood brighten at his words. "Your brother's entered the war. His friend has, too. They're not together, though. We're sending you out to spy on them, then we expect you to take them out." I stiffened my body. "Ready to comply, Soldier Jemma Winter Barnes?" I wasn't ready to comply, but I needed to see them, so I nodded.

"Ready to comply." Those words changed my life, and they never even knew I lied. I removed the emotion from my eyes. I had learned to mask my face. Sometimes I did it without even realizing it. It was too easy. 

"I think she's ready, sir." A man with a red face stepped out; I was surprised, but didn't show it. He circled me, scanning me up and down.

I saw his face when he stopped in front of me. He was very unattractive. His smirk terrified me, so I tried to slow my breathing subtly. "I think she is. Dress her and send her out. Have her find her brother first."

They gave me baggy pants, which were easy to run in. They gave me a tight, dark red shirt that had gun straps in the back. I had a mask that covered my eyes with the Hydra symbol on the front. They gave me knee-high boots with heels. Those are going to be easy to run in, I thought sarcastically. "Leave the mask off until you find him. You'll wear this long jacket and red hat while looking. No one will be able to recognize you. Your name is now only Winter. Only kill your brother if you have to. If you don't need to, bring him back here for his own brainwashing process." I stiffened.

I remembered another hallucination that had happened not long ago. Though I'm not sure if it's a hallucination now, since my other one actually happened:

Steve was big now. He was with a girl. He was drawing when he heard about a Hydra raid. He asked the guy in charge for a name. My brother's name. His eyes were frantic, but he stayed calm. He kept saying it. The girl didn't know what was going on, but she stood beside him. She must like him. I wonder if Bucky knew her. Probably not. He would've shot her. He was protective. 

From my hallucinations, I had noticed that Bucky was becoming more protective of Steve. He guarded Steve more than he had ever watched out for me. At least I could always actually protect myself, though. 

In my hallucination, he was going to go after Bucky. He found out Bucky was either captured, or- worse.

I would have to find Steve to find Bucky.

I nodded, "Ready to comply, sir." The guy with the red face smirked and nodded.

"Wonderful. Go then."

Before I left, they gave me three guns and lots of ammo in a bookbag. They put my change of clothes in there, too. They also hid knives across my body. The guy who was helping me waited until everyone was gone to speak up. He looked like he was my age. He almost reminded me of Steve. "You're strong. I saw you resisting the torture for almost a year."

I stopped breathing. "A- a year? I've been here a year?"

The kid stopped moving and looked up, scared. "Ye- yeah. You have." He fixed a knife before stepping back. "Listen, I know you don't care, but just so you know, I don't want to be here. They needed more people and threatened to take my sisters if I didn't help them. I had to." He leaned in and whispered, "I know you aren't completely brainwashed. I can tell you're faking it. But I also know that something could trigger you. So just, be careful. And if you save whoever you're going after, come back. I know it's scary, but there's no way I'm brave or strong enough to escape. I'd like to take you on a date one day, if you want." I smiled. A guy had never really liked me before. I had Charles Harris, but he was fake. I dropped my smile when we heard footsteps. The boy grabbed another knife. He slipped it down my boots. I felt tingles where his hands left. I realized how much muscle I had now. My calves were all muscle; it was almost gross. I had always been skinny, so now that my arms were huge, I felt out of place

I didn't move my mouth as I stared back ahead. "I'll come back." He didn't reply, but I saw him grin. 

"Is she ready to go?"

The boy stood. He nodded, "Fully weaponized, sir. She has at least twelve knives and three guns."

"Good job. What's your name, son?"

His jaw tightened, "Jerome. Sir."

"Last name, soldier."

I could see Jerome grinding his teeth together; I hid a grin. He really hated these guys. "Lucas, sir. My name's Jerome Lucas." Jerome Lucas. I would have to remember that. 

"Go find Sergeant James Barnes, soldier." I stepped outside and walked. I tried to think about where I was going to find Steve. Did they say it in any hallucinations?

They must've really messed with my head, if I'm using my hallucinations as direction. But I didn't have anything else to help guide my mission. That's when I remembered:

Italy.

I guess that's where I'm going. That's when I heard something come from my mask. Voices. "Soldier Winter?"

"Um, yes?"

"Oh. Hello. We are here at all times just for your convenience. If you need anything at all, just say into your mask. There is an earpiece there. We can hear you and you can hear us." Earpiece?

"Okay. Well, I was wondering where I am?"

"Why? We are not going to give you our base location, soldier." The man's polite voice was suddenly hard.

I groaned. "Of fucking course," I mumbled under my breath. "I just need to know how to get to Italy from here?"

"Italy? That will be over a week if you keep going without stopping. But you'll have to sleep, so that will be about two weeks. Why Italy?"

"That's where they are."

"Fine. We'll find you a train. Just walk."

"Understood. And you said there will always be someone on this thing in my mask?"

"Listening in your earpiece, yes."

"Okay."

No one answered, so I walked. I didn't have any food or water, which proved that they didn't care if I didn't eat or drink. If I died, it wouldn't matter. I hoped to find people soon. I slipped my jacket on in case I ran into someone. I was still wearing my mask, but I needed it for news about my train.

I finally reached people. I hid behind some trees as I talked into my earpiece, which still felt odd to me. "I need to know about my train quickly. I've just found people, so I'll have to take my mask off."

It was the same person as before. "Your train will be there in two minutes. Just take your mask off and trade it for the hat. Ask someone for directions."

"Okay." I didn't wait for him to add anything before I took my mask off. I shoved it in my bag, and traded it for the hat. Just like they said to do. If I wanted to find Steve and Bucky, I needed to follow my orders. For now, at least.

I walked past some buildings. Eventually I saw an elderly lady who looked friendly. I decided to walk up to her as I forced a smile. "Hello. Ma'am. Would you point me to the train station?"

She nodded and smiled. Her smile was so sweet; it made mine become real. She pointed to her right, "Just head that way. You'll see it, sweetie." I remembered being called 'sweetie', but where?

"You deserve to die." Steve?

"Yeah, sis. I'm always going to choose Steve over you." This couldn't be real. Could it?

"Sweetie, you really need to sacrifice yourself. Our lives are more important than yours." There was the 'sweetie', but I couldn't remember who it was.

"But I- I don't want to die," I felt cornered. I couldn't move. They wanted me gone?

"You need to, though." That's when I remembered her name. "You need to save us." Sarah. "Don't worry. No one will miss you." They won't?

"I would've killed you myself, but now someone else will do it for me."

This couldn't be real. "You wouldn't have killed me. We're twins. One of us doesn't exist without the other."

"I think I'll exist just fine without you." He's right. Maybe I should die.

"He's not lying, Soldier Winter." Steve never called me that. I was getting claustrophobic. "He killed your parents. He'll kill you, too." Bucky didn't kill our parents. He loved them just as much as I did. Maybe even-

"Honey? Is everything okay?"

I blinked. The lady was staring at me. I clenched my fists and looked around. The world was going on like nothing happened. Which I guess nothing had for them. Maybe I was more brainwashed than I thought. I nodded, "Yeah. I'm okay. Thank you again for the directions."

She nodded and patted my arm. I flinched away, but she didn't acknowledge it. "Of course, sweetie. And I love your hat. My brother's favorite color had always been red."

I nodded, "My brother' friend's favorite is blue." I twisted my mouth. How did I remember that? "My brother was my twin. They were close to each other."

She nodded, so after thanking her one last time, I headed in the direction of the train. I didn't have long, so I kept my head down to avoid confrontation. I arrived at the same time as the train.


	6. I Found Them

I put my bag beside me and sat down. I stared at the window and hoped everyone would leave me alone. I'd have to wait until I got to Italy to check back in with my earpiece. No one tried to talk to me, so I kept to myself. I was on the train for about 10 hours before I arrived. I headed to the woods as soon as I got there. I needed to put my mask back on and talk to whoever was in charge of me currently.

"Hello? This is Soldier Winter. I've arrived in Italy."

"Jemma! You're okay!" I knew who it was immediately.

"Jerome? Jerome Lucas?!" I was remembering more things about him now. I had always had a bit of a crush on him when he helped me. No one else was around, so he sang to me. I don't think he knew I was awake for it. I must've forgot because they'd torture me immediately after he helped me. I wonder if he ever saw it all happen.

"You remember me?"

"How would I forget? I just had a conversation with you."

He mumbled, "You never remembered me before." 

I sighed. It was weird to stand alone and have a conversation. Little did I know how familiar I'd have to get with my earpiece.

"I remember you now. From before. I remember you singing." I smiled at the memory. I was glad to remember something so wonderful. "I like your voice."

"O-oh, thank you. So, uh, you just remember me singing?"

I tilted my head, thinking. "That's it. Why? Was there anything else?"

"Nothing important. So your mission's going okay?"

I nodded, then remembered that he couldn't see me. I sat down, leaning against a tree. "Yeah. Now I just have to find my brother's friend."

"Aren't you supposed to find your brother first, though?"

I sighed, "Yeah, that's what they told me to do. But-"

"Jemma. I mean, Soldier Winter, you have to follow orders." His voice was rasp. "If you don't, they'll kill you."

I laughed mockingly. "Whatever." I knew he was serious, but I didn't want him to know I was afraid. "Don't worry about it; I have a plan. And don't call me Soldier Winter. It sounds dumb. Why not Soldier Jemma or Soldier Barnes?"

"Because that's not supposed to be your name anymore." He sounded exasperated. "At least they're letting you keep a little bit of yourself."

"Well you get to keep your name!"  
"Soldier Winter... It's because you're important. I'm not. No one cares about me."

"You're important to me. I care about you." I had said it without thinking, but I meant it.

"We just met, Soldier Winter."

"That's not true. You were there during my- my, uh torture."

His voice shook, "Which is why you shouldn't like me. I didn't do anything to try to save you. To save anyone. And now I'm talking to you like an actual person. Because even though that's what you are, they don't think so. They're just using you."

I was about to reply. What he said had confused me. But that's when I heard Jerome curse. "Shit. I have to go. Stay strong, Soldier Winter." The earpiece went quiet. I was alone again.

I slept horribly that night. I hid in the woods and laid on hard ground. I kept remembering the torture. I remembered the flashbacks I would have. I wish I would have known Steve longer. I wish I could've saved my parents before they died. I wish I could protect Bucky. 

I woke up to someone talking in my earpiece. "Soldier Winter. Have you made any progress on your mission yet?" I couldn't identify the voice. All I knew was that it wasn't Jerome. Time to fake being brainwashed again. 

"I arrived in Italy yesterday, sir, but that's all. I slept so that I would have energy for today."

"Sounds good, soldier. Is there anything you need?"  
I held back a sigh. Do brainwashed soldiers show any emotion? Probably not. "Is there any way you could tell me where Steve Rogers' base is located? It will prove to be extremely hard without coordinates. Sir."

"Yes. Just give me a couple minutes." Then, the earpiece went silent again. I looked around, wondering if Steve would remember me. I hoped so, because if not, there would be some complications. "I've found it, soldier." He named off coordinates that I locked into my brain. 

"Ready to comply, sir. Taking my earpiece out now." Then I quickly changed clothes before shoving it all into my bag. I was thankfully fit enough to run quite a while before getting tired. I'd be able to find Steve quickly.

When I got there, I saw Steve drawing. I couldn't see what. I remembered how quickly he filled up sketchbooks with the things he drew. Some of those things were me, but most were Bucky. 

The girl that I saw in my "flashback" showed up and stood behind him. I stepped forward, trying to hear their conversation. "Hi Steve."

He replied. I saw his drawing- a monkey. Why was he drawing a monkey? The monkey was doing tricks. He seemed to feel like it represented him. He said he'd rather be doing this than be stuck in a lab. The girl asked if these were his only two options. His costume was a bit strange. Or at least the part I could see under his coat was. He talked about wanting to fight in the war. He had since the day I met him. But now he was just wearing tights.

I was about to step out and show myself when a truck came in. Steve and the girl looked toward it. The doors were flung open and a man was carried out. "They look like they've been through hell." The girl explained what happened. A battle that wasn't equal.

"Your audience contained what was left of the 107th." What audience? And where had I heard the '107th' before? Steve looked confused. His face was down. The rain added to the gloominess of it all. "The rest were killed or captured." He immediately glanced up. 

Steve raised his voice slightly. "The 107th?" That's when I remembered Bucky. It was in the flashback I had had. He had been drafted. I felt my breathing quicken. There's no way they could kill Bucky. Bucky was the toughest of them all. But would he have been able to kill them? I wanted to hope for his capture, instead of his death, but I wasn't sure. Wouldn't they have told me if he had been captured already?

Steve stood up, not answering her confusion. He started running. I hurried behind them, not trying to cover the sound of my steps. The rain was loud enough. Steve rushed to someone. I couldn't hear the name he said, but he kept his posture tall. His voice was urgent. He told the man that was sitting down that he needed the casualty list. I tried to blend in the back as I stepped closer. 

"You don't get to give me orders, son."

"I just need one name, sir. Sergeant James Barnes from the 107th." The man said something to the girl that I blocked out before Steve spoke up again. "Please tell me if he's alive, sir. B- a- r-"

"I know how to spell." I wanted to punch this man in the face. Didn't he know how important this name was? Steve sighed inaudibly. I saw his shoulders fall. The man walked even farther away, talking about writing condolence letters. Steve followed him. I stepped forward, forgetting that I wasn't supposed to be there. The girl saw me, but I ignored her. "But the name does sound familiar. I'm sorry." My heart broke. Those words hurt more than torture ever could. I closed my mouth tightly to hold my sob back. I couldn't hold back the tears, but I was soaked with rain water anyway. The man turned to me, "Who are-"

"Jemma?" I gasped. Steve looked at me. His eyes held pain. He stared at my eyes, my eyes that looked just like Bucky's; there's no way he'd ever be able to look at me again. I turned and ran. "Jemma, wait." I heard his fast steps behind me, so I forced myself to run harder. My legs hurt from running earlier, but I couldn't stop. "We can save him!" That stopped me. 

I turned. My mouth forming an angry sneer. "He's dead, Steve. There's no saving him. I killed our parents and now he's dead, too. So maybe you don't know what it's like to lose someone, but it hurts a lot. I know you lost your dad, but Bucky was my twin."

"We don't know he's dead."

"That man just said it! He wrote a condolence letter for Bucky! Who are they sending it to? Huh, Steve? Tell me."

"I do know what it's like to lose someone. I lost you when you left. We all thought you were dead. You've been gone for a year with no contact whatsoever. And my mom died, too. Not long after you left. She got sick." He stepped forward; I couldn't move away from him. "And I just lost my best friend. My only friend for the past year. I don't have anyone now either." I stepped back and shook my head. "We can help each other. Come with me to rescue him and all of the other soldiers. You and me, Jem."

"That's not my name anymore." I remembered the mask in my bag. My bag that I still had on my back. The earpiece. Bucky may have been gone, but I still had a mission. I had to go back. With Steve. "I'm different now."

Steve tilted his head, then gestured up and down his body. "I am, too. I'm finally taller than you."

I sighed, taking another step away from him. "No, Steve. I mean my head's different. I think differently now." Evilly. "You're still the same Steven Rogers."

"Come with me, Jemma." His blue eyes filled with tears. "Please don't leave me alone." So, I went with him.

We went to a tent where Steve took his coat off and started shoving things into his bag. I wrinkled my nose. His uniform was hideous. "Oh god, Steve." I covered my mouth as he turned to me.

"Don't. Say. Anything." I nodded, but kept giggling. His butt did look great in the tights, though.

The girl walked in, so I slid to the corner. "What are you doing? Do you plan to walk-" I missed the location as I tried to stop laughing.

"If that's what it takes."

"You heard the Colonel, your friend is most likely dead." That stopped my laughter immediately. I knew she was right, but it still hurt. I wanted to pretend that he was okay.

"You don't know that," he wouldn't look at her. Steve needed to accept it. It would just hurt more when we couldn't find him. 

He grabbed his stuff and stormed out of the tent. She followed him. I walked quietly behind. She hadn't seen me yet. 

He was about to drive off when she stepped beside the car. I jumped in beside him. "I can do more than that," she told him. Then she looked at me. I looked horrible compared to her. My face was make-up free and I haven't brushed my hair in a year. It was all over and knotted up. "Who is she and why is she going with you?"

I sneered and leaned forward. "Who are you?"

"I'm Steve's... friend."

I scoffed and leaned back in the seat. "Well, I'm his dead best friend's twin. So, I win."

"He's not dead, Jem." I looked up and sighed, but didn't say anything. 

You know what happened next: Stark and the girl flew us there. Steve thought the two were dating; it was obvious he liked her. He still didn't look at her like he used to look at Bucky, though.

We made it into their base. It looked familiar; maybe all bad guy bases are the same. He was running around. He kicked a guy in the chest as I punched another. We kept running. We saw a guy with a jacket and case full of papers run. He faltered for a second when he saw us, but started running as soon as I started after him. Steve caught up with me quickly. "We aren't going to find him, Steve." I was breathing hard, but Steve was breathing normally. Our positions had switched entirely.

"We will," his voice held no uncertainty. We heard someone muttering words. I recognized the deep voice.

I looked at Steve, "Bucky." He's alive. Steve took off after his voice, so I chased after him.

Steve shook him. Bucky opened his eyes; they were wide and dazed. "Bucky." Steve looked up and down his body. "Oh my god." 

I screamed. "Fuck no. No, no, no, no, no." 

Steve started unbuckling him as I rubbed Bucky's cheek. His eyes stayed unfocused. No emotion on his face. Tortured.

He finally turned toward us. He muttered something that I couldn't hear over the pounding in my head.

Steve looked desperate. Oh, no. He didn't know that Bucky wasn't ever going to be the same. "It's me. It's Steve."

Bucky finally smiled. "Steve." I could see his relief. He looked at me. "Jemma?" I smiled and he chuckled lightly. That's when I realized something.

"I told you, Jemma. He's alive!" Steve was relieved. So relieved. I wish I didn't have to tell him what I told him.

"Steve. He doesn't, he doesn't think this is real."

"What?"

I looked at Bucky and shook my head. "I'll tell you when we get out of here. Promise."

Steve lifted him up. Bucky collapsed against me, still beaming at Steve. Steve put a hand to Bucky's neck. "I thought you were dead."

"And I thought you were smaller." Bucky tilted his chin toward me. "I thought she was dead." 

I grinned. "Not dead, Buck."

Bucky grinned and stood up a bit more. Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulders after looking at the map. I wrapped my own around his waist, and we half ran. "What happened to you guys?"

Steve chuckled lightly, "I joined the army."

"I joined- Well, nothing really. I just ran away to save my brother and his friend."

Steve let go of us and started leading the way. Bucky tried walking by himself, but I kept my arm around his waist. He was clutching his side and limping; he was obviously in pain. "Did it hurt?" Of course Bucky asked Steve that. I internally rolled my eyes. He had to make sure Steve was okay, even though he definitely wasn't. 

"A little."

Bucky unwrapped my arm from him and stumbled forward. "Have you been okay, Jem? Did they hurt you?" I thought about telling him, but he seemed to be worse than I was. 

"No, I'm fine. They didn't do much."

"Right." Bucky obviously didn't believe me. Why would he? I was gone for a year.

Bucky was leaning to the right; his right arm hung by his knees. "Is it permanent?" 

"So far." Steve looked back, but not at us. 

I sighed. We all had permanent consequences, but Steve was the only one with good ones. We heard explosion noises, so I raced forward. Steve was half of a step behind me. We looked over the railing and saw everything blowing up. I bit my lip to hold a scream and stepped back. Bucky made it to the railing just as another explosion happened closer to us. Steve raised his shield, as I pulled them away from the railing. Steve started climbing higher, away from the flames. Bucky was right behind him, but I waited a minute before following him. This wasn't how I expected to see them again. We were running when we heard a loud voice.

"Captain America.." The voice sent chills down my body. "How exciting." Steve stopped abruptly. Captain America? Bucky stopped and looked over. I watched them. "I am a great fan of your films." Is that why Steve was wearing that dumb costume? 

Steve stepped forward, closer to the man who was definitely dangerous. Bucky was leaning down, clutching the railing. I hid in the shadows; there was no way to tell if the mystery man knew who I was. 

I didn't listen to what the man said next because I noticed Bucky wasn't even looking at him. He was looking at the man behind him. Though I couldn't see Bucky's face, I knew he was angry. He was upset and scared. He knew this man. This man was in charge of his torture; this is how I looked at the man in charge of mine. Hatred.

Bucky was shaking as he stood. I wanted to reach out to him; to help him. But i couldn't let my presence be known. Steve and the talking man met in the middle of the bridge. Steve immediately hit him in the face with his shield. This was our Steve Rogers, but now? Now, he could take the bad guys. Now, he could win.

Something was wrong with the bottom eyelid of the annoying man's right eye. But I couldn't see what. Bucky's torturer pulled a lever, separating Steve and the man with the weird eye. The man pulled his skin off. His whole head was red. "What the fuck?" I stepped forward as I saw it. Curiosity got the better of me. I stayed unnoticed by the villains. 

Bucky muttered, "You don't have one of those, do you?" His eyes were still dazed. He was shaking. His voice was low. I stepped toward him. 

"Bucky." He glanced back at me and shook his head. I saw the pain behind his eyes and kept quiet.

Red face continued talking and threw his mask into the flames below. Bucky's torturer looked just as shocked as I felt. Red face and his partner left. Steve yelled, "Then how come you're running?" No reply. The doors closed; I stepped out of the shadows. 

Steve and Bucky stared at the doors without speaking. They looked around the room. I saw stairs and yelled for them. 

"Come on, let's go." We ran toward the stairs. "Up!" We ran over to another railing. "Let's go. One at a time." We helped Bucky climb over the railing. Bucky looked at me.

"Come right after me. Okay? Right after." I nodded, so he turned around. He walked slowly, flinching at more explosions. I climbed over the railing when something fell. 

I saw Bucky gasp at the same time as me. He kept going, so I started walking. He was about to step again when something else fell. He grunted and leaned down to catch his balance. Bucky ran to the end. I was right behind him when the thing fell. He jumped and I screamed. "Jemma!" He reached down and I grabbed his hand at the last second. He latched onto my wrist with both hands, but I could feel myself slipping. "Jemma. Just hold on." He pulled me up beside him and jumped over the railing. He clutched his side. 

I climbed over and hugged him. "I'm sorry, Bucky. So sorry." He nodded and kissed my forehead before turning to Steve. "Oh, shit." How was Steve going to make it over here? 

He clutched the railing. "There's gotta be a rope or something." I could feel Bucky's fear. He was hopeful, but I knew we couldn't save him. 

Steve yelled, motioning behind us, "Just go!" He looked at me. I was going to have to make Bucky leave. "Get out of here!" I pulled Bucky's arm. I didn't want to leave Steve either, but I needed to save Bucky.

"No, not without you!" He ripped his arm away from me. His voice was filled with emotion. I could tell that he was about to cry. I could hear the unshed tears. The pain in his throat as he held back his sobs. He was going to die before he left Steve. His face was set, determined. I felt a tear drop from my eye.

"Bucky, please." I tried to grab his arm again, but he stepped away. I didn't know what to do, so I looked at Steve. Steve watched Bucky for a second; he saw that Bucky wasn't going to leave. He was ready to die; he knew that Steve wouldn't make it across. 

Suddenly, Steve pushed a bar away. He bent the metal. The Steve I had known would've never been able to do that. No one I used to know would've been able to do that. Steve walked hurriedly backwards, keeping eye contact with us. Bucky was desperate as he watched. I knew Steve was going to jump, but if he didn't make it across, I don't know what Bucky would do. When Bucky had to watch his best friend fall into the flames, he would break. I would break. If we lost Steve, we'd lose ourselves. We'd die in here. 

Steve started running. I was sure that he didn't have enough power as he jumped. Then all I saw was flames. I closed my eyes and stepped back. I couldn't watch, couldn't see the heartbreak on my brother's face as he watched his best friend fall to his death. I whimpered until someone wrapped their arms around me. His big arms made me think it was Bucky, but when I breathed in, all I could smell was bar soap and the laundry detergent Sarah always used. "Steve," I mumbled into his shirt. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. "What's going on? How did you make that jump?" Another explosion rang out; I flinched. 

"I'll tell you later. Let's go." So, Bucky and I followed Steve out of the building and into safety. We escaped quickly.

We had to travel by foot since Steve's radio broke. That's when I remembered my earpiece. I'd have to check back in as soon as we got back.

Soldiers started running to us as soon as we were in sight. Steve, Bucky, and I were at the front of it all. I hated the attention, but I wasn't going to leave their sides. Everyone was cheering, but I kept all emotion off my face. I saw Steve pat Bucky's back while they looked at each other; that made me grin. The girl was here, right behind another man. The man who thought Bucky was dead. 

Steve saluted him, "Some of these men need medical attention. I'd like to surrender myself for disciplinary action." I smirked as Bucky glared at Steve; it seems Bucky still wasn't okay with Steve breaking the rules.

"That won't be necessary." The man left and the girl stepped forward. She stood right in front of Steve, too close for Bucky's taste. I saw him clench his jaw, so I grabbed his hand and squeezed. He smiled at me.

"You're late."

Steve pulled the broken radio out, making me giggle. "Couldn't call my ride." She smirked when she saw it. Then, she looked back up at him. 

I nudged Bucky, "They're gonna kiss." 

Bucky squeezed my hand and nodded, then let go and turned. "Hey!" He paused, looked back at Steve, and yelled, "Let's hear it for Captain America!" Everyone started clapping. Steve looked at Bucky and they smiled at each other, but Bucky looked pissed. He cocked his head, like a shrug. As soon as Steve looked away to survey everyone else, Bucky dropped his smile. He drew his lip into his mouth, then let them out with a pop. Yeah, definitely pissed.

"I have to go, Buck. I'll be right back." I turned to leave, but he grabbed my wrist.

"Where are you going? You're not turning yourself back in to those guys again, right?"

I shook my head and forced a chuckle. "No. Just have to piss." Then I ran.

I hid behind a tent and opened my bag, which had surprisingly stayed on my back this whole time. I slipped my mask on. "Hello? Anyone there? It's Soldier Winter," I grimaced as I said the name they forced me to use.

"Soldier Winter! Wonderful to hear from you." It was the man in charge of me. "Your Jerome has been worried sick!" I took a shaky breath. "He says you checked in earlier, correct? Said you've made some progress."

"I- yes, sir. I have. I've found both targets. I just have to capture them."

"That's fantastic!" Then his fake nice voice dropped. "Now, tell me why you hate your new name, Soldier Winter?"

'Wha- what?" Did Jerome tell them what I said? I shouldn't have trusted him so quickly. "What are you talking about?" They probably planted fake memories about Jerome in my brain, so that I would trust him. Never again. Never, ever again.

"We listened in on the conversation you had with Mr. Lucas."

My heart was racing. I swallowed a sob. "All of.. All of it?"

"No, soldier. We only heard the part about your name. What's the problem with it anyway?" His voice dripped with lies; I imagined the blood that dripped from my nose when they punched me in the face repeatedly. Before I gave in. Before I let go. 

"I just don't understand why I had to change it. I liked my name."

"We do it for all of our soldiers. That's the process. That's your name. You better accept that and stop trying to hide things from us. If you can tell Jerome Lucas something, you can tell all of us. That is all." Then the earpiece went silent, even the sound of his breathing was gone. 

I muttered to myself, "Without Jerome, I have no reason to go back."

That's when I heard a voice in my earpiece again, but this time it was different. "Soldier Winter?"

I rolled my eyes. "Jerome."

"Soldier Wint- I mean Jemma, listen. I didn't tell them anything."

"I don't believe you."

"You have to. I didn't know they were there. Please-"

"Jemma?" I heard Bucky's deep voice yell my name. "Where are you?" His voice was urgent. He was scared.

"I have to go, Jerome Lucas. Ready to comply." Then I ripped my mask off and shoved it in my bag. "I'm right here, Bucky."

He grinned, stumbling toward me. "I still can't believe you're alive."

"Yeah, well, me neither," I tried to force a smile but failed. I hugged Bucky as soon as we were in reach. His head on top of mine. "I missed you so much, Bucky." I felt his mouth form a smile. "But I'm glad I could save everyone. I'm so happy you and the Rogers are okay." The smile dropped and he pulled back, still holding my arms. 

"It's just me and Steve, Jem. Didn't he tell you?"

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I shook my head. "Something happened to... to Sarah?"

He looked away from me, but his head stayed right in front of mine. "She got, she got really sick, Jemma." His eyes grew dark. "She died before I went to war."

"Oh." It's funny how attached I was to her. I'd only known her a month, but she was one of the most important people in my life. She'd never call me sweetie again. Every breath I took hurt, like I had a broken rib. 

He hugged me again. "She helped me, by the way. She planned our parents' funeral. Steve helped me through it, but I wish we could've gone through it together." I squeezed him tighter, trying to steal his pain away. He didn't deserve it. "I tried looking for you. For months, I searched. But one day, I just felt something. Something in my body just snapped and I knew I'd never find you." Then he buried his head into my neck and whispered, "That's how I felt a couple days ago. After they," he took a shaky breath, "After he hurt me."

I kissed his cheek. "They, uh, they hurt me, too, Buck."

He squeezed tighter, "I'm sorry I didn't keep looking."

"It's not your fault. It was never your fault. And it's fine anyway. It only felt like a week for me."

"A week?" He pulled away and furiously wiped his eyes. "That's it? You were gone for a year."

I shrugged and muttered, "Time flies when you're having fun."

He grabbed my arm. "I know it's not fun. You don't have to pretend that it was okay because I know it wasn't. I don't think I'll ever recover from the little bit I had to experience. You experienced so much more. Please just know that you don't always have to pretend to be brave around me. Okay? I'm a big boy."

That's when I broke. "There's so many things I can't tell you. And I don't know what to even believe. I always had these flashbacks, but some of them never actually happened. I just feel so stupid and alone."

"You're not stupid. And you'll never be alone. You'll always have me and your brother. You're the most important person to him. I'm his best friend, but you'll always be his favorite person." Steve stepped towards us and joined our hug. I laughed and unwrapped one arm from Bucky to place around Steve.

"A lot has changed, hasn't it?"

The boys chuckled and nodded, "Yeah. It has."


	7. Let’s Talk

We were sitting down, the boys in their uniforms, me in a dress I borrowed from Peggy. It was green with pink and white flowers on it. My sleeves were wavy and the outside was longer than the inside. I wore a white belt that had a small, pink buckle, and I paired it with green heels. The green of my dress and heels matched Bucky's jacket. Peggy said I could keep the dress, but I didn't think I'd need it again any time soon. 

Peggy offered to walk with me, but I told her that I wanted to wait with Bucky. 

"Woah, sis. I forgot how good we look when we match."

I laughed and rolled my eyes, giving him a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. Then I whispered in his ear, "Steve will probably agree."

He opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. When I pulled away, he winked, "Well, Stevie better stay away from my sister."

"I wasn't-"

But, he cut me off with a wave of his hand. "Let's sit. Drink."

I giggled and shoved him, "Whatever, lightweight." Then I sat beside him at the bar. 

He sighed and looked at me, "You know that we need to talk." I nodded and prepared for a bad conversation. I stared at the counter. "But we'll do that later. Tonight, we celebrate!" And he ordered a round.

Steve arrived only a few minutes later, wearing his nice jacket and tie. Bucky smirked, "See?" He swiveled in his chair, "Told you. They're all idiots." I laughed and Steve nodded toward me, grinning. Steve sat down.

"How 'bout you? Ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?"

I put a hand under my chin and winnked, "Always. Cap." He rolled his eyes and looked at Bucky. I could see the love in his eyes. As soon as he looked away from me and at my twin, his face was soft. 

"Hell no." Steve still had that look on his face; he knew Bucky wasn't serious. There was no way Bucky would let Steve go in by himself. Even if he had a "team" with him. "That little guy from Brooklyn, who was too dumb to not to run away from a fight." Bucky laughed slightly through his nose; Steve's face was serious now. I took a drink. "I'm following him." I used my drink to follow my smirk.

Everyone may love Captain America, but Bucky would always love Steve Rogers. Now, Bucky was giving Steve that look. I took another drink at the same time as Bucky. Steve looked down and grinned.Then Bucky leaned closer to him and lowered his voice a tad, "But you're keeping the outfit, right?" I saw his lip twitch while I coughed on my drink. 

Steve looked up and at me, questioning me with his eyes. I was trying not to laugh when I shook my head at him. He smiled at Bucky again. Then raised an eyebrow and looked at a poster with Captain America on it, "You know what? It's kinda growing on me." Yeah, well your ass looks great, too.

We all leaned back to watch the door. I saw Peggy in a gorgeous red dress, so I got up. "You look amazing, gal."

She smiled, "You look even better, Jemma." The boys stood when we pulled apart. "Captain."

Steve nodded, "Agent Carter."

Bucky looked at her butt as she walked past him, to Steve. I smacked his arm, causing him to smirk. I missed what she said, but I heard Steve say, "Sounds good."

She looked towards Bucky, so Steve took that chance to check her out. I covered a giggle with my hand. She turned back to Steve when Bucky awkwardly smiled. "I see your top squad is prepping for duty."

Bucky bounced on his toes, "You don't like my music?"

She kept her eyes on Steve while she answered him, "I do, actually." Her voice was smooth, sweet. "I might even, when this is all over, go dancing."

Bucky smiled cockily. "Then what are we waiting for?" His smile dropped by the end of his question.

She still didn't look at him, "The right partner." 

I was too busy holding in my laughter to hear what she said again, but Steve answered with a "Yes, ma'am."

She walked away, rubbing my arm and grinning at me as she passed. "Bye, Jemma."

I smiled and tilted my head, letting my long hair fall to the side. "Bye, Peggy."

Bucky watched her leave. He looked confused, but mostly, angry. Jealous. He'd never been used to being rejected; he usually got what he wanted, so his jealousy made sense. I couldn't help but grin.

Bucky shook his head, "I'm invisible." Disbelief. Just like I thought. He turned and started chuckling, "I- I'm turning into you." He made a noise, like a scoff. "Some horrible dream." I started giggling again. Bucky nodded, putting his tongue against his bottom lip. I patted his back.

Steve tried to sound sympathetic, but I knew he was happy, proud. "Don't take it so hard." Steve patted Bucky's other shoulder. "Maybe she's got a friend." And that's what had me laughing the hardest I'd laughed since the day before my parents were killed. 

Bucky turned to me; his disbelief was evident. "I've never needed girls to have friends."

I laughed, "You can't have everything, Buck." I sat back down and took another drink. "And she probably doesn't have many friends anyway; we're at war." Then, I started giggling uncontrollably. "I'm her friend, though. But you're my brother, so that's really gross."

Steve looked between me and Bucky. "What's going on?"

I looked between them and leaned over the counter, smirking. "I have no clue. Why don't you guys tell me?"

"What?" Bucky looked at me, but Steve was staring at him. "You're the one who left, Jemma. You're the one who's been gone for a year, who's changed. You can't blame us if things are different."

I dropped the smirk and stared down at the counter. The room was spinning. I tried to blink, but my eyelids felt heavy. I bounced my leg up and down. "So, this is my fault?" I grimaced. I took another drink. "It's my fault that I tried to save your lives? That I protected you two and Sarah by sacrificing myself. I'm the reason there's a problem?"

Bucky looked around. His eyes were wide. "Let's go." Then, he stormed away.

I laughed under my breath and chugged the rest of my drink. Then I grabbed Steve's arm, "Let's go."

We followed Bucky into an empty tent. Bucky and I stood face-to-face while we glared stubbornly at each other. Steve stayed in the corner of the tent, close enough to pull us apart, but far enough to give us privacy. 

I finally broke and forced a laugh. Rolling my eyes, I shook my head. I avoided his eyes; the eyes I saw every time I looked at myself. "Why are we here?" Then I added, "James," but only to make him mad. You never grow out of the urge to annoy your siblings. 

"To talk, Jem. A lot has happened in the past year; we need to talk about it."

"Okay. Talk," I straightened my back. I wasn't going to let my guard down. I loved Bucky, but he knew how to hurt me. I used the extra couple of inches to my advantage as I towered over Bucky.

"What happened?" He tilted his chin up. "After you left," he clarified.

I shrugged. "I ran home. They found me. Knocked me out, tied me up, captured me. Tortured me for a year. Broke apart my mind and body." Then under my breath, I added, "Not that it worked very well."

Bucky coughed. "I looked for you, Jemma. Everywhere. For months."

I scoffed, "Not hard enough apparently."

"You don't know, Jemma! You have no fucking clue what I was going through. I had just let you go without trying to stop you. I was asking everyone that I passed if they had seen you. But they hadn't. Not since I had, at least. No one knew where you were. I couldn't look forever. I wanted to. I really wanted to. I wanted to find you and never let you go again. I wanted my twin sister back. But I gave up hope. The war had started, Sarah got sick; I bought an apartment. It was just a lot going on. I couldn't hold on forever. I wanted you to be okay, but accepting your death was easier. I knew that if I kept looking, but never found you, I'd go crazy. So I accepted that they killed you. That they hid the body. Hell, maybe even they kept it. I was trying to hope for the best. I could stop thinking about you, about where you might be, what you might be dealing with, but I couldn't control my nightmares. I'd go weeks without sleeping because everytime I closed my eyes, I only saw your dead body. You were always cut up. Bruises covered your body as you bled out. So, yeah I know now that I didn't look hard enough. So, I'm so, so sorry, but I can't help it. I needed to protect Steve and Sarah because I couldn't lose the only two people I had left." He held a fist to his mouth as the first tears rolled down his cheeks.

He bent over his knees and then fell over, face first into the ground. I laid down beside him, pulling him into my lap. Bucky grabbed onto my dress and sobbed. "I hate myself every day for not finding you. I should've been there for you. I shouldn't have let you leave. Steve's an important person in my life, he's my best friend, but no one could ever replace you. I love you so much, Snowflake."

I hugged him tightly. I let my mask fall. "I'm sorry, Bucky. I just wanted to save you. You've done so well this past year. I wouldn't have done half as well as you if our situations were switched. I'm so, so proud of you and Steve. You guys have become so close. I'm sorry for being rude. You're right, though; this is my fault."

Bucky pulled back, "That's not what I'm saying!" 

Steve stepped forward, "Guys! Stop fighting! You both did what you thought was best." Then he walked out of the tent, "Talk it out. I'll wait here."

For some reason, Steve's anger made me want to laugh. I snickered, trying to hold it in, but then Bucky looked at me, and I lost it. I laughed loudly and dramatically; I leaned over my knees and held the end of my dress. "He's so," I hiccuped, "fucking," my face was warm, "pissed!"

Bucky looked at me and cocked his head, like a confused animal. "I've never seen him so mad!" Then he laughed, too. 

I leaned onto Bucky, "I wish I could've got to know him better."

"Me, too. You would've loved him. We've taken care of each other since you left."

I nodded, grinning half-heartedly, "Good. That's good. Did you ever teach him to fight?"

"I tried. But I don't think it worked very well. He was, I don't know. He worked on it, but he wouldn't stop fighting with everyone in the meantime. I tried getting him to calm down, but he fought every disrespectful guy in our neighborhood."

"Did you help clean him up after he fought?"

Bucky smirked, "Yeah. I would search in all the alleys for him and help him if I saw him. I usually found him before he got hit too bad."

I turned slightly and buried my face in Bucky's chest. "You're an amazing friend, Buck. You were always my best friend. I think you and Steve are the only people who got me through while I was captured."

Bucky put his head on top of my head. "They hurt me, too, Jemma. I know yours was worse because they had you longer, but I know what it's like to, well you know what. If you ever need to talk about it, I'll always be here. I'll understand."

"I'm glad we could rescue you before too late, Buck. I'd hate for you to have to experience it any longer."

"I'm glad you finally got out, too." His eyebrows furrowed. "How'd you escape? Did Steve save you, too?"

I felt my heartbeat increase, it seemed to be doing that a lot, and I tried to calm my breathing. I rubbed a spot on my dress. "Jemma? What's wrong?" 

I bit my lip, then shook my head. "I didn't escape, Bucky."

"Then how are you here?"

I used the back of my hand to put my hair behind my shoulders. "I, well, they let me go. They told me...They said...Well, they gave me a mission."

Bucky's eyes turned cold as he scowled. He took a slight step back and crossed his arms. "Which is what exactly?"

I looked at the tent's opening. I saw Steve's silhouette turn to the side. His ear was closer to us now. I lowered my voice. "You."

"Me?"

"And Steve."

Bucky's eyes widened. He stuck his tongue against his bottom lip. "So, you came here to capture us?" Then he flinched, "You only rescued me to bring me back to them?"

I tried to reach for him, but he pulled away. "I'm not going to turn you two in."

Steve walked back in. I saw tears in his eyes, but he blinked them away. I'd never seen Steve cry before, and I doubted I ever would. "They'll kill you if you don't."

I shook my head, "No, they won't. They aren't going to catch me."

"Yeah? How do you know?"

"Because they're dumb. They thought I was actually brainwashed. They tried hurting me, physically and emotionally, but it didn't work. They're not going to find me."

"They found you last time. You wouldn't even be Hydra without them finding you the first time. In case they brainwashed that memory out of you, they killed our parents to find you. They're going to find you again and this time? This time, they'll kill me and Steve, too."

"They won't find me. And if they do, I'll just fight them off. They won't be expecting a fight."

"Are you sure?" Steve was asking me, but staring at Bucky. "We can't lose people." He looked at me and shook his head. "Not if there's another way."

Bucky didn't acknowledge what Steve said. I nodded in agreement with him. He was right, but I was confident that I could protect the only two people I have left. "Jem?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever think about turning us in?"

I was about to shake my head, to tell him that I was always planning to find and protect him. But I already lied to him enough. I sighed and looked at my feet. I hated heels. I nodded, "Yeah, at first."

Bucky's reaction broke my heart. His lip quivered as he nodded. "Right. Yeah. Right, okay." He nodded again. He was about to walk away; I wanted to stop him, but I needed to let him go. He deserved time to think about this. Then he stopped. He didn't turn to look at me, so I stared at his back while he whispered with a shaky breath. "Why?"

My heart hurt. I felt like it was physically breaking as I let a few tears spill onto my cheeks. I was a horrible sister, a horrible friend. "I met someone..."

Bucky whirled around. His lip curled. "So, you were going to let them torture us because you found a guy?"

"A Hydra guy, Jem?" Steve's face was stone. He knew Bucky was going to flip out; he had every right to. If I wasn't a girl, Steve would probably be punching me.

"He, he wasn't like them. He didn't want to be there. He was only, was only trying to protect his family. J-j-just like me. You have to believe me. He was sweet. I wanted to go back to help him leave. To save him." I stuttered through every sentence. 

"But, you aren't going back for him anymore?" Bucky was glaring at me. I wasn't sure if he even heard Steve's question. 

I nodded, "Right."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "Why not? He's not cute enough for you?" I shook my head; I knew Bucky was mad, but I didn't expect him to be so rude. "Or were you just waiting for Stevie to actually like you back?"

Steve looked at me. Apparently my crush was news to him. I could tell he wanted to ask about it, but knew that now wasn't the time.

"He wasn't who I thought he was." I blushed madly. My answer proved them right. "I thought I could trust him, but he sold me out."

Bucky clenched his fists. I thought I had somehow made him angrier. "I'll kill him if I ever find him." Oh. His brotherly instincts were back. The urge to protect me from heartbreak ruled over his anger toward me. 

Steve didn't have these same brotherly instincts. He switched his weight from foot to foot, unsure of what to do. "I, uh, I'm sorry, Jemma. I should've, I don't know, I should've come looking for you as soon as I joined the army."

I shook my head and smiled at him. "No, it's okay. I didn't expect you to. We didn't know each other very well, anyway." 

"We will," Steve nodded. He looked at Bucky, watching his reaction. Bucky was still glaring at me, but turned to look at Steve. "We'll all get close." Bucky's face went soft. He grinned up at Steve. 

From then on, Steve was practically my brother, too.


	8. The Winter Soldier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my plot’s all over the place 

I screamed. The water filled my lungs. My throat burned as I screamed for Bucky, for Steve, for anyone. I opened my eyes and saw a familiar boy. He looked pained as he watched me, but he just stood there. I locked eyes with him. "Help me." He blinked and looked at his feet. 

Another man stepped in front of the glass. "Ready to comply, soldier?"

"Never."

The temperature of the water started to increase. It burned my arm. I tried to pull it toward me, to make myself smaller, but I couldn't move. I hadn't taken a breath in at least a minute, but I felt okay. How?

"You've been given an injection that allows you to survive longer without breathing, so we can torture you for longer." The man smirked, but waved a hand toward a man in a lab coat. "But, everything will be okay the second you comply."

"No! Let me go!" I couldn't tell if I was crying or it was just the water. I hit the glass. The boy stepped forward. I remembered seeing him before. He had told me that he was sorry; I expected him to try to help me now. 

But instead, he smirked. "I'm Jerome and we're going to hurt you until you comply."

I heard another familiar voice, "Wake up, Jemma. Just wake up!"

I sat up. I shook my head, trying to clear the thoughts away. The room was blurry as I looked around. Two figures were standing above me. "What's wrong with her?" The voice was strange, deep; I'd never heard it before. Not from a man that tall and strong, at least.

"Nightmare, I think." That voice sounded familiar. His hair was the same shade as mine. I knew who it was immediately, so I reached for him.

"Bucky," I breathed out.

He grinned, kneeling beside me. He hugged me. "What happened?"

I didn't answer. I was confused. I looked at the other man. He had blonde hair and striking blue eyes (but I thought mine were prettier). "Who are you?" He looked like Steve Rogers, a kid I used to know, but he was tall. 

"I'm Steve?" He looked at Bucky for help. So did I. "You know, your friend?" Bucky pulled away from our hug, but stayed in reach. He tried again, "Captain America?"

"I don't... I don't know who Captain America-" That's when I remembered. All of my memories came back in a second. They hadn't really been gone; my shock made me confused. "Wait, where am I?"

"Italy. You came here to-"

"What just happened?" I looked at my clothes, no water. I rubbed my arms, no burns.

"I think you had a nightmare."

I shook my head, "No. It was real."

Steve stepped closer, "That sounds like combat exhaustion, Buck."

"But she's never been to war? She's never even fought anyone," Bucky was still on his knees. 

"She went through a lot of things, though," Steve shrugged, "I don't know. I'm just saying that maybe it's a flashback or something."

The word clicked, so I nodded. "It was a flashback. But now that I think of it, it wasn't how it actually happened."

Bucky touched my arms again. "What do you mean?"

I looked away. "Well, the beginning was right. But, some of it seemed off." Bucky rubbed my arm, so I looked at him. He nodded, telling me that I could tell him what happened. I closed my eyes; I didn't want to talk about it, but I trusted them. "They were torturing me. They had drowned me... well, not exactly. They put me underwater, but they injected me with some... stuff. It wouldn't let me pass out. It allowed me to go longer without breathing, but it still hurt. I screamed a lot, so the water filled my throat up." I clutched Bucky's forearm. "But then Jerome, the guy I told you about earlier, walked toward me. I thought he was going to help, but he actually just smiled. He was glad that I was hurting. He said they were going to keep hurting me until," I looked at Steve, my bottom lip quivered, "until I complied."

Bucky hugged me. "It's okay, Jemma. It's okay. You're safe now. I am so, so sorry. I should've saved you. It's going to be alright. He was obviously a jerk anyway."

I put my head on his shoulder, "But, that part wasn't real, Buck. They did all that stuff to me, but Jerome never did that. He hadn't done anything."

"So, he wasn't a bad guy."

I grabbed my hair. I didn't know what to say. I thought he was a good guy, but he had told them my plans. He pretended to be sweet all of that time. I think they wanted me to trust someone, so they had something to use against me. "I think he is. I think he wanted me to believe that he was a good guy." I leaned back, away from them. "I need my bag."

Steve grabbed it from the other side of the tent, then threw it to me. I opened it, but paused before doing anything. Bucky was still hurt and angry over our conversation from earlier. I took a deep breath and avoided his questioning eyes. I grabbed my mask and closed my eyes. "Please don't hate me more than you already do," I whispered to them. Then I slipped the mask on. "Hello?"

"Jemma," Jerome's voice made me smile. But I hated myself for it. Why did I get so attached to people so quickly? "Jemma, they're gone for the night. They, they said they trust me enough now since you hate me." He mumbled, "Do you hate me?"

"Yes." I tried to make my voice cold, hard. I tried to pretend that I had no feelings, that I really was brainwashed. 

"Jemma, you have to believe me. I never told them anything. I care about you so much."

"No. You're lying. You just wanted me to come back for you. You never actually cared for me. I found my brother and his friend, so now I'm never coming back. And you can go ahead and tell your friends that, too."

I opened my eyes and looked at the boys. I was about to pull my mask off, not wanting to hear Jerome's response, but then he said my name. The boys heard it; their faces showing shocked. They heard the pain in the voice, there was no way they hadn't. "You have to come back. Not for me, but for yourself. For your brother. They'll kill you, Jemma. Even if you never want to see me again, I want you alive. And they're not my friends. You're the closest thing I've had to a friend the whole time I've been here, even if you don't remember it."

I swallowed and hissed, "Then why didn't you help me?"

"I was scared. I know that's not a good excuse, but I was terrified of them. I mean, I have every reason to be. First, they threatened my family. Now, they just hurt me everytime I even mention you."

That stopped me. Bucky and Steve were looking at each other. They must've heard what Jerome said because they looked confused. Steve patted Bucky's shoulder. "Hu- hurt you?"

Jerome took a sharp intake of breath, "Nevermind. It doesn't matter. Just stay safe. That's all I want. You don't have to come back for me, but I don't want them to hurt you if you don't."

I didn't hear what he said. The only thing I knew was that he didn't answer me. "They. Hurt. You?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Why? What'd they do? You never did anything wrong!"

"They just roughed me up a bit. It's no big deal. I'm fine. I shouldn't have talked to you. I'm putting you at risk."

"He's right," I heard Bucky mutter.

I resisted the urge to scream. "What did they do?"

Jerome didn't reply. I asked again, but he stayed silent. After I asked for the third time, gradually getting louder, he said something. But not what I wanted to hear. "Don't talk to me unless it's necessary, Soldier Winter. I'll make something up and tell them that you're getting your brother to trust you again or something. But you have to be safe. Don't worry about me." I heard a click and broke.

I reached for the boys. Steve kneeled before joining our hug. I put my head on both of their shoulders. I knew they were looking at each other. "He's not the bad guy," I said the realization out loud, but it was to myself. The sentence repeated in my head, getting louder each time. I was wrong. I punched the ground, then stood up abruptly. The boys sat back, wide-eyed. Two sets of eyes that were different shades of blue, but held the same shade of love when they connected, as they did now. "I have to go back. With or without you."

Bucky stood up, shaking his head. "You can't!"

"I have to!" I stepped back, lowering my voice. "I have to."

"No, you don't." Bucky looked to Steve, "Tell her! Tell her she doesn't have to. That's a bad guy! Bad. Guy."

Steve shook his head. "We can't stop her, Buck. We couldn't last time, and we can't now."

"But, we could've saved her last time. We should've gone after her. Now we have the chance to stop her before she even leaves."

"I'm going. And there's nothing you can do to stop me." 

"Then, I'm coming with you."

Now it was my turn to look at Steve for help. He stepped forward, between Bucky and me. "What if we get Stark to make her something to help her?" Steve knew I wouldn't have time to wait for it, but I could see Bucky relax at his words. "He could get her more protection."

"See, Buck? They'll be expecting weak 'Soldier Winter', but I'll actually have a secret weapon."

"Soldier Winter?"

I blushed. "That's just what they call me. They said they wanted me to keep some of my name to remember the bad stuff. It was supposed to make me forget that my name was Jemma Barnes. It didn't work."

Steve looked pained, but didn't speak. Bucky was stiff, not moving. "But that boy said you don't like it."

"Obviously, I don't."

Steve grinned, "I have an idea."

Why was he grinning? This was serious. "What?" Bucky shot me a look at my hard tone.

"We'll still call you Jemma, of course. But, I think that maybe we could call you something else?"

"What do you mean? They're not going to let me change my name."

"Who cares? We can still call you it."

Bucky glared at us for our hard tones, but then questioned Steve. "What's her new name, then?"

Steve's grin grew. "The Winter Soldier."


	9. Kisses and Goodbyes

"The Winter Soldier?" I shook my head, but then thought about it. What did it matter? If they caught me again, they'd erase this whole conversation from my memory. Steve was looking at me, grinning. He seemed excited; I couldn't let him down. "I like it." I really did, though, I realized. I liked being called Jemma more, but I preferred Winter Soldier over Soldier Winter.

"Really?" Steve's cheerful grin made me forget what was going on. I forgot that I wasn't still just a seventeen-year-old gal from Brooklyn. I didn't let my grin drop. I would force it to stay on my face until they couldn't see me anymore. I couldn't hurt them anymore than I had to.

Bucky nudged Steve's arm. "I like it, too. I think it suits her."

Steve's grin grew. "Let's go see Stark." He was so excited that he practically ran from my tent. Bucky and I laughed while we followed him to Howard.

Bucky slung an arm around my shoulders, and I couldn't resist the urge to lean into him. I had missed him a lot. I hoped he'd be okay if I didn't make it back. "Before I left for war, I took Steve to see a flying car." He nodded toward Steve. "I loved it. We brought dates and everything, but Steve was so goddamn impatient! He just wanted to enlist and go. I guess that's why we connected so much. Impatience."

Looking back now, I see how in love they were with each other. But at the time, a part of me still chose to ignore it. I nodded into his shoulder, "He's a good man."

I must've drifted off because when I opened my eyes, we were with Howard and Peggy. Bucky was saying my name from above me. I realized he had carried me the whole way. I grinned at him and kissed his cheek. After quickly rubbing the sleep from my eyes, still leaning against Bucky, I thanked them all. "I'm sorry, guys. I've just got to go..." I looked at Steve, who immediately shook his head. "Somewhere. Bucky thought it was best if I had more protection before I left."

Stark leaned back on his toes. He was definitely attractive; I thought he'd look great with Peggy. I smirked at the thought. "And why should we listen to you?"

Steve leaned in, whispering in his ear. Peggy grinned at me, so I waved. I loved her, so much. She had been one of the nicest people I'd met during my few days here. Stark nodded when Steve pulled away. After a quick look to Peggy, he grinned at us. "Everything's set. They said they'll help us."

Bucky smiled, "Great." He looked at me and nodded, then repeated himself. "Great."

Peggy smiled, tilting her head. "Okay then, follow us."

Steve and Bucky went to talk to Steve, but I stayed with Peggy. I kept my voice low. "I'm leaving tonight. I'm not going to have time for whatever I pick. Steve told Howard, but I thought you deserved to know. We are friends, after all. I'd just like to say thank you. You're amazing and I'm so glad I met you. Though we didn't have very long to get to know each other, did we?" She grinned half-heartedly. I sighed, looking at the boys; they weren't paying attention. I sighed, trying to make my voice even lower. "I don't think I'm going to make it back. Ever." She nodded somberly. "If I'm not back in four days, tell the boys, okay?"

She nodded. "Of course. It's obvious you all care about each other very much."

I smiled, "We do. That's why I need you to give them something for me." After she nodded, I reached into my pocket. I pulled out two bracelets. They were both gold with my name engraved into the identification part. The writing was fancy, neat. I knew neither of them would accept it from me themselves, so I had to make someone else the messenger. I kissed both bracelets lightly before handing them to Peggy.

She looked at them and then back at me. "You're sure you don't want to give them these yourself?"

I paused. "Well, I-"

"Jemma, come with us. Now." I turned to see Bucky and Steve glaring at me. I nodded, so they both pulled me toward a secluded area. 

Bucky crossed his arms, "You were going to leave, expecting to die and not even give us gifts yourself?"

"I didn't want to hurt you."

Steve crossed his arms. "I knew you were leaving earlier than we wanted you to, but I didn't know you expected to die!"

Bucky yelled, "You knew?! You knew she was going to leave before she got the protection?"

Steve took a step back. I tried to touch Bucky's arm, but he pushed me away. "Buck..."

"No. You're both liars. I can't believe you two. I'll leave and let you guys talk behind my back some more." He started to walk away. Steve tried to grab him, but Bucky pushed him, too. The sight of them fighting made me want to throw up. He was almost back in sight of Peggy and Howard when he whirled around. He glared at me. "I don't want you to leave. I can't lose you. So, if you really think you're going to die, give me the bracelet yourself." Then he turned and walked away. 

I bit my lip to stop the tears. I forced myself to smile. "I'm sorry he's mad at you."

Steve nodded. "Me, too. But we'll be okay. We're best friends," he shrugged with a sigh, "Nothing can change that."

"Stevie?"

He looked me in the eyes. His blue eyes were bright. I was glad that whatever they did to make him bigger didn't change his eyes. They were beautiful. "Yeah?"

"I've always liked you." He looked shocked. "You're a good man. You deserve the best." He didn't say anything, just kept staring into my eyes. "Don't ever leave Bucky. You two have a greater friendship than I ever would've imagined."

Suddenly, he grabbed my face. I flinched, so he let go. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." His eyes remained on mine. I smiled, grabbing his hands and putting them back on my face. I nodded when he pulled me closer. I grabbed his waist. He leaned in. I closed my eyes. "Can I kiss you?" I blocked the memory of Bucky's nose hitting Steve's cheek. I nodded and leaned closer. He kissed me, but I felt nothing. I expected to feel some excitement at the least, but it was plain. I only felt his lips on mine. I hugged him closer to my body, trying to savor what could be one of the last kisses of my life, but I kept imagining Jerome. And I couldn't get the image of Steve almost kissing Bucky to go away. I pulled back. I was about to ask about Bucky when Steve grinned. His smile made him look drunk. "Thanks for taking my first kiss, Winter Soldier." I blushed. First kiss? Then he leaned in again. I forgot what I was going to ask him. "Would you mind taking my second, too?" The excitement in his eyes made me smash my lips on his. I remembered my question.

"Steve?" I was about to ask when I heard light footsteps. I froze, one hand on Steve's chest and the other hugging his waist.

"Jemma?"

We pulled back. Shit. I turned and saw the three of them standing there. Howard, Peggy, and-

"Bucky," the name came out of Steve's mouth as a breath. Bucky didn't move, didn't even blink.

Then he scoffed, "Of course." He stepped toward me, pointing a finger at me. He always acted like an older brother besides the fact that we're twins. "I told you not to like him."

"Wait, why?" Steve looked hurt, but not as pained as Bucky, so I ignored him.

"That was before we knew him! Now we know he's a great guy, Buck." Then I looked at the ground and shrugged. "Besides, don't I deserve a final kiss before I die?"

"You deserve the best, Jemma. And I know Steve is the best, but it's different. He's my friend, our friend. And you aren't going to die, so stop saying that!" Then he grabbed me. I clutched the back of his shirt while he cried into my hair. I heard Peggy talking to Steve. 

"Why'd you kiss her?" Her voice was low, but I heard her.

"I, I'm not sure." Apparently Bucky heard them, too, because his grip on me tightened. "I've always liked her. She's gorgeous and amazing. But, I never wanted to kiss her before that moment."

"What was different about that moment?" Bucky rubbed my sides.

"I was just staring into her eyes, and, well they look just like Bucky's you know. And I just thought of losing her last time. How upset I was, but how destroyed Bucky was." Bucky tensed up underneath my hands. "I just couldn't let her go without telling her that I really cared about her. So, I showed her."

I cried into Bucky's shoulder. "I'm so, so sorry."

"I know you are, Jem. I know you are. But he's right. It destroyed me. I don't want you to leave. Ever."

I sighed. It killed me to do this, but I needed to. I kissed his cheek before pulling away. I looked at Peggy, silently asking for the bracelets I had just given her. She pulled them out of a pocket in her dress that I hadn't noticed before then. I smiled and turned back around. My heart was pounding, but not as hard as my head. "James, you're my best friend. There is no one else in this world that I care about more." I looked at Steve; his eyes were on Bucky. "But, you're no longer the only person I care about. I rescued you, so now I have to go rescue someone else."

"This is suicide, Jem! You aren't going to come back and you know it. Stay."

My bottom lip quivered. I clenched my eyes shut. I hissed, "I can't." I opened my eyes and forced a smirk. I tilted my chin up, our give-away that our confidence was fake.

"Please don't leave," his voice was desperate. But his desperation didn't show, it rarely ever did. "You can kiss Steve all you want if you just stay."

I grabbed his hand; my desperation always showed. "James Buchanan Barnes. When we were five years old, you vowed to never let a man I loved hurt me. So far, you've kept your word. But now you have to let me go, so that I can make sure they never hurt the man I love. You will always be my twin, but I'm not sure if I'll always be by your side anymore. But now you have someone else by your side. Someone even greater with a friendship that is better than anything I would've ever found without you." I slipped the bracelet on his wrist and hugged him again. I whispered into his ear, "You have to keep the man you love safe, too." He froze. "I'll leave and you can kiss Steve all you want. Okay?"

He kissed my cheek softly. Then, in his own hushed voice, he shakily asked, "You- you knew?"

I sighed. "I do now." Then I pulled back. "I love you, Buck. It'll be okay." He nodded, wiping a tear from his eyelid.

"I love you more than the whole world, Jemma Winter," He whispered the saying we had made up since we learned to talk. He kissed my head one last time before storming away. His heartbreak also made me sob, but I had to stay strong for one last speech. To Steve.

I didn't look at him, or Peggy, just the silver bracelet in my hand. "Steven Grant Rogers. Technically, I've known you for a year now. But I'd only been able to be in your presence for a month. You're one of the greatest people I've ever met." I rubbed the pad of my thumb over the engraving of my name. "You always fought for what's right, even if you knew you would lose. You're practically the exact opposite of my brother, but you guys have a special connection." I thought of the look in their eyes. "I never wanted anyone to replace me as Bucky's best friend. But since someone had to fill that space, I'm so glad it was you. I wish I could've been around longer, but that was apparently not the plan." I looked into his eyes. I could see why Bucky would love him, hell- I almost had. But I still didn't know how deep Steve's love for Bucky actually ran. Then I handed him the bracelet. I realized Peggy was gone. I hadn't heard her leave; the thoughts in my head ran faster than ever before. I kissed his neck softly. "Take care of my brother, alright? He's the only one I've got."

Steve nodded solemnly. "Of course I will. Don't die out there, okay?"

I kept my lips lightly touching his neck. "Win this fight, okay?"

He tilted my chin up and lightly pecked my lips. Our eyes had stayed open, so I saw that there was no love for me in his. Bucky fit him. More than anyone else ever could. I wish I could stick around to see it.

"Bye, Winter Soldier."

I pulled away. "Bye, Captain America." I was almost out of his sight when I turned back. I kept my voice low to hide my pain, "Tell Bucky I'm sorry."

He nodded, so I ran. I went to my tent to grab the rest of my things. I had been sharing with Bucky and I saw a picture of us. I was standing between him and Steve; they both kissed one of my cheeks. I remembered how embarrassed Steve had been afterward. I smiled and touched my lips. I grabbed a lipstick that Peggy had given me and smeared it on quickly. I kissed the back of the picture and laid it on Bucky's bed again. I tossed the lipstick when I heard footsteps. Then, I ran.


	10. Torture and Missions

You know this part of Steve and Bucky's story. This isn't about my life, but it's important to know this part. 

When I arrived back, they didn't believe that Steve and Bucky escaped; they knew I let them go. I expected death, but they decided they needed to punish Jerome, too. They tortured me again. They burned me with a hot pipe all over my body and made Jerome watch. I tried not to scream; I didn't want to hurt him. This was all my fault, I deserved it. He was crying as they held his arms back. I tried to smile while they pulled me from the water. I wanted them to let Jerome leave. He never did anything wrong. They were the bad guys, not us.

They laid me down under a water spigot and shoved a tube down my throat. They held my arms down. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't move my mouth with the tube in it. I looked at Jerome, he was trying to pull away from the soldiers holding them. I shook my head. Don't make it any worse. He stopped resisting, but continued crying.

I clutched the shirt of the guy who turned the water on. I tried to breathe but couldn't. The guy cringed, pulling my hand off of him. "Guess we should turn on the heat." The man who sent me to find Bucky wasn't here. I thought he was the boss, shouldn't he be here? Shouldn't he be the one hurting us?

The water got hotter. I remembered being stuck in that water tank. The water kept going into my throat. I hear Jerome scream when water trickled out of my nose. The man leaned closer to me. "You'll have to comply to save your little traitor boyfriend."

I tensed, closing my eyes. I thought about hitting them, but I knew they'd only make me hurt worse. I opened my eyes, moving them to look at Jerome. He knew what I was thinking. I needed to comply, for real this time. He shook his head and sobbed. I looked away and he cried out. They had hit him, I knew it without looking. "I'll never comply."

"We'll see about that." They pulled the tube from my mouth and roughly pulled me up. "Bring him with us." They pulled me toward a different room. I tried to look back at Jerome, but they stabbed me with the burning stick again.

They buckled me into a chair and shoved a mouthguard in my mouth. I clenched my fists when they did the same to Jerome across from me. He didn't have a mouthguard. I tried to talk around the material in my mouth, "Dair-me"

We locked eyes. He pulled upwards, trying to break the buckles that strapped us to our chairs. "Jemma..."

The boss came. He smiled at us. "Young love is sweet." Then he focused his attention on me. I flinched. "Ah, such a shame that we'll have to wipe your memories. We tried to let you keep some, but that didn't work obviously. Such a shame." He shook his head sadly. Then he waved his hand and men walked toward me. I tried to shrink back, but the straps held me in place. They put metal things on my face, holding my head in place.

I can't explain the next sensation. The pain was unbearable. I screamed. Memories flew before my eyes, just to disappear. Forever. I saw things that had never happened. I saw Steve and Bucky with two girls at a science convention. I saw Steve crying. I saw Bucky fall from a train. I screamed his name, but the memories kept coming. Except they weren't memories. I saw Steve pat Bucky's back, but Bucky had long hair. I saw Bucky in the same chair that I'm in now. I saw Steve fighting a man in a red suit. I saw Steve and Bucky hugging. I saw a man that looked like Howard chasing me. I saw a boy in a red and blue suit swinging from buildings. I saw all of these memories and then I didn't anymore.

I opened my eyes. The man was still in front of me. Jerome's mouth was wide open. He had fear in his eyes. "Soldier Winter?" I looked at the man. "What's your full name?"

The mouthguard was gone. When did they take it out? "Jemma Winter Barnes."

The man sneered. Weren't they supposed to wipe my memories? He pointed to Jerome, "Who's that?"

"Jerome Lucas."

He grabbed a picture from another man's hand, then held it up to me. "Do you know these two people?" The men looked familiar. They both had blue eyes, but the boy with darker hair's eyes looked identical to mine. They were laughing at each other, standing tall. They looked happy, but so tired.

"I've never seen them before." I heard Jerome gasp.

"Does the name Steve Rogers mean anything to you?" I thought for a second and shook my head. No, definitely not. "James Barnes? Also known as Bucky?"

He had the same last name as me, but I'd never heard the other names. I think my parents knew someone named James, but he definitely didn't have the same last name as us. "No."

The man clapped, "That's wonderful. It works!" The other men cheered. What works?

"Jemma?" Jerome's voice was raspy from his screams.

"Jerome."

He smiled. The man stared at us, so Jerome asked him, "Can I tell her something before you wipe her?"  
The man nodded. "We aren't wiping you from her mind, though. Just some memories that involve her mission."

"Jemma. Please never forget that I love you. So much. Okay?"

I nodded. "Of course." I already knew that, didn't I?

The pain was back, along with more memories. Old and new. I screamed and everything went black.

When I woke up, they asked me more questions. I didn't know the answers to most of them. But, I remembered Jerome. They released us, but not for long. Minutes later, they locked us into a room, but at least we were together. The second they left and locked our door, Jerome pulled me into his arms. "Oh, Jemma. I'm so sorry."

I chuckled, "For what?"

He sighed, "For things you'll never remember... And it's all my fault."

I patted his chest, "None of this is your fault. My mind feels..." I stared at the ground, "Empty? But I know we're the good guys."

"You do?"

I rolled my eyes, "Of course."

Someone beat on the door. I flinched against Jerome's side. "Quiet in there!"

Jerome sighed and kissed my head. Then he whispered against my hair, "I'm so sorry."

I tilted his head down, toward me. "I love you."

He kissed me, smiling. "I love you, too." Then he fell toward the bed, pulling me with him. I laid on his chest as he played with my hair. "Let's get some sleep. Okay?"

I nodded and closed my eyes. I fell asleep fairly quickly, but my dreams made me want to never sleep again.

I watched Bucky grab Steve's shield. This shield looked newer. He started shooting when a blast hit him. I screamed, but couldn't hear it. He ran to the shield that Bucky had dropped when he hit the open wall. He threw it and ripped his mask off. "Bucky!" He started climbing out of the train car. Bucky was holding onto a bar. I wanted to help, but I couldn't move. Steve climbed sideways, fighting against the wind. "Hang on!" Bucky tried to move closer to Steve. He reached a hand toward him, but had to grab the bar again. The bar slipped. Steve yelled, "No!" He grabbed for Bucky, but missed as his foot slipped. I cried out. Steve clutched the bar as Bucky's deep voice screamed. His screams echoed, his arm still up, reaching for Steve. Bucky. Steve watched him fall, breathing deeply with his mouth wide open. Anguish was evident on his face. I had to help him. I should be there to save them. Steve closed his eyes. His face squeezed together as he tried to stop the tears. He leaned against the side of the train car.

"Jemma, Jemma, wake up. Stop screaming. It's okay. I got you, Jemma. I got you." I pulled back as Jerome stared into my eyes. I was crying, but now I couldn't remember what the dream was about. I just know it hurts. I know there was a train and that I lost something important, but I couldn't figure out what. I didn't remember who was on the train now that I was awake. "What happened, love?"

"Someone... A train... He fell... It's my fault... He's dead..."

"Who, Jem? Who?"

"I don't... I don't know. But I knew who he was, who they were. But now I can't even remember their faces."

Realization showed on Jerome's face. He knew who the people on the train were. But how? He grabbed me, kissing my neck softly. "I'm sorry. So, so sorry..."

I felt my leg shake. I felt my heartbreak spread through my whole body. Then our door opened. Jerome's face stayed in the crook of my neck. "Soldier Winter. They need you immediately."

Jerome looked at them. "Why? She hasn't done anything wrong!"

I untangled myself from him, tripping as I stood. I wiped my eyes; I had to clear the thoughts of that train. I ran a hand through a few knots in my hair. I kept my eyes away from Jerome's. "I'm ready..."

"I'm coming, too!"

I looked at the soldiers. They looked between us before shrugging. "I do not see why not..."

Jerome interlaced our fingers, I squeezed his hand. I didn't want to let go. He squeezed back. My hand was sweating like crazy (I knew because my whole body was), but he didn't say anything about it.

I tried to relax, because I hadn't done anything wrong, but the closer we got to the closed door, the more nervous I got. I decided to speak up. Stammering, I asked, "D-do you... do you two... do you know why they... why they need us... or me?... why they need me?"

The man with a clean-shaved face just shook his head sadly. The older man sighed, "I have no clue, kid. We're just low-level guards. They don't tell us much."

I nodded, but was too anxious to say anything. Jerome whispered a quick, "Thank you." The men nodded, but didn't reply.

We reached the door, so I, reluctantly, let go of Jerome's hand. The men walked in. "We have her, sir."

"Wonderful. Let her in." I stepped in. Jerome was only a step behind me. "Soldier Winter... And Mr. Lucas. Your visit was unexpected." We glanced at the men.

The older man stepped forward. "I didn't think it'd be any trouble, sir. They seem pretty inseparable."

"No trouble at all. Thank you, Soldier Velichansky." The man nodded and stepped back to his original position. "The more the merrier, I suppose."

"Sorry to be rude, sir, but why did you need me?" I lowered my voice, but I've never been this shy before. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No, soldier. I have a mission for you, actually."

Jerome blurted out, "Already?" The room went silent as everyone stared at him. I tried to smile to reassure him, but he looked at the ground. With a blush, he mumbled, "Sorry, sir. It's just, well, she just, uh, started yesterday." I blushed, too. He was trying to protect me.

The boss, who's name I still didn't know, waved it off. "It's okay. Just know where you stand." Then he leaned forward, putting his elbow on his knees. "And this mission is important. I think she's ready. But you could go with her, if you choose to do so." Then he leaned back, waving for a drink, which he received immediately. "Now, go. Soldier Winter, you leave in an hour. Mr. Lucas, this is the moment you decide if you want to be a soldier or not, too. If you choose to do so, let Soldier Velichansky know." Then, he waved us away.

Jerome decided to go. He said he couldn't let me go alone. So, an hour later, we left with just a bag of supplies on our back. They slipped a red mask over my face and told me that I'd be able to hear them through it. I remembered going on a different mission with an earpiece. I told Jerome about it, but he didn't say anything, so I stayed quiet.

"So, what are we doing exactly?" Jerome was in front of me, gun at the ready.

I clutched the knives in my hands. "Well, they told us to find those boys they asked me about. Captain America and... I'm not sure who the other one was." Jerome stiffened, but stayed silent, so I continued. "Apparently they'll be on this train. They want us to kill them."

"And, we're going to?"

"Of course. It's our job." I shrugged, flipping a knife and catching it by the handle.

"Right." He stopped suddenly, so I went to stand beside him. It was freezing, but I had no way of warming up. Jerome pointed up. "There's train tracks. I think we're supposed to wait here."

To myself, I whispered, "The train."

Jerome whipped around to face me. "Do you know where we are?"

I looked around. I heard the train coming. "This is the place in my dream."

"You remember? What was it about?"

I looked over the bush, trying to see the train that I could hear. I could feel the wind in my hair, just like the dream. "I don't know, but I've never been here before. Someone with a shield was on there and the other boy fell off. Then I woke up. I can't, I can't remember."

Jerome grabbed my arms, "Listen to me, Jemma. You can't ever tell anybody about these dreams, okay?" His voice was low even though no one else was around. "Just me, and only when no one else can hear." I tried to pull away, so he let go.

The train was louder. We both looked up. "How do we get up there?"

Jerome tilted his head, "I think they expect us to climb..."

I nodded and walked forward. I was about to climb when the side of the car was blown open. I flinched. I kept walking, but I started hearing something when I began climbing. Something flew out of the car. I looked up and started to climb faster. Someone was hanging on to the side of the car. I heard a yell and someone else climbed out. They reached for the other person, but I saw him fall just a little. I heard both of their screams as the one fell.

Jerome was climbing behind me. "That's our mission!" I stopped and looked down. He was pointing to the man who fell. I looked up to watch the other boy, but didn't see him. So I nodded and jumped down. I was pretty far up, but felt fine when I hit the ground. I kept jumping down onto other small areas. I almost slipped on ice, but kept going. Jerome stayed right behind me.

Then I saw the blood. There was a trail of deep red blood in the snow. I looked around. There were puddles of it everywhere. Then I saw an arm. I kept looking. I had to find my mission. I couldn't go back without that man. I looked at Jerome. He was holding a hand to his mouth, his eyes were clenched together, and his cheeks were filled with air. "I think I'm going to be sick." He turned and vomited. I walked away.

Then I heard groans. My feet crunched on the hard snow. "Steve?" I didn't answer. The voice sounded familiar, but when I tried to remember it, I just felt like my skin was on fire. "Steve, my arm- my arm's gone." I kept walking toward the voice. "Help me." Sobs echoed on the mountain."

"Jerome. I found him." The man was lying on the ground. His eyes were tightly closed and he was holding his left arm. Or where his left arm should've been. His jacket was torn at the shoulder.

The man opened his eyes and stared at me. They looked dazed, like he was drunk, I'd seen that look before. "Jemma?"

I shook my head. "Who are you?"

"I'm Bucky. I'm your-"

Jerome came forward. "I don't think we should kill him."

"But that's our mission, Jerome."

I heard the man repeat Jerome's name, but I ignored him.

"I know, but maybe we should just bring him back. Maybe they can use him. I don't know." He shrugged. "Ask them." He looked pale, and I saw that his arm was shaking.

I pushed on my ear through the mask. "Hello?"

"Soldier Winter! Have you lovebirds completed your mission yet?"

"No, sir. One of the men got away, but we have one of them. His arm's missing and we're curious if you'd like us to bring him in? Jerome says he may be of use to us."

"That depends. Do you know who he is?"

"No, sir. Should I? Sir."

"No. Bring him back. Good job, soldiers."

I nodded at Jerome. "He said to bring him in." I kicked the man's shoe. "Can you walk?"

The man nodded. "I think so. But my arm. Do you have anything to help me?"

Jerome opened his bag. He grabbed bandages and quickly wiped at the man's shoulder. I heard him hiss, so I looked away. I waited until Jerome said they were done to turn around again. "How do we get him there?"

"Get me where?"

Jerome looked up. There was no way we'd be able to get our mission back up there. "Hold on. I'll find a way out. Wait here."

The second he walked away, Bucky looked at me. "Jemma?" I pretended not to hear him; I didn't want to know why he knew my name. "Uh, Soldier Winter?" I didn't reply, but I cringed. I wasn't sure why, but I hated being called that. "WInter Soldier?" Where had I heard that before?

I whipped around to face him. "What do you want?"

"Let's run. We have to get out of here?"

I shook my head. "No. This is my mission." I grabbed my gun out of the snow. I hadn't realized I had dropped it before now. "Now, leave me alone or I'll shoot you."


	11. My Mission

"What?" He took a step back. He looked at his missing arm. I looked away. "Do you know who I am?"

"No! Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

He used his right arm to reach for me, but let it fall when I glared. "Because I'm your brother."

"No. You're my mission." I searched my brain for any memories of a brother. "I don't have a brother." The only family I remembered having was my parents, but now they're dead. And all I know about their deaths is that it's my fault. "The only reason I didn't shoot you the second I saw you was because I knew Jerome would want to save you. He's a doctor. He doesn't kill people, he saves them."

"Jerome," he whispered.

I whipped around to face him. "How do you know our names?"

He was staring at the ground. "This is just a nightmare. It's just a nightmare. My arm's still there, Jemma's gone, Steve's here with me." He looked back up.

Jerome was back. I smiled, earning a grin in return. "I found a way out. You'll have to follow me." Then he looked at our mission. "And this isn't a mission." He nodded at the man's missing arm. "How does that not hurt?"

"I don't think I've realized it yet." Jerome nodded and started walking ahead of us. I stayed beside the man, ready to attack if need be. He was yelling up to Jerome. "So, are you brainwashed, too? Or do they just do that to the good people?" I saw a glint of gold on his wrist. He probably had a girlfriend, who gave him her bracelet. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not brainwashed."

"So, you're willingly working for them? You're willingly letting them torture my sister to the point where she doesn't even know me?"

Jerome kept walking, staying calm. "Not your sister, pal."

"Oh yeah?" Before I could react, the man pulled the mask off my head. I cried out in surprise. Jerome whipped around, and held my gun before I shot it. The man sucked his lips into his mouth. "Jemma Winter Barnes. My sister."

"I don't have a brother."

Jerome leaned into the man's face. He kept his voice, obviously trying to keep me from hearing, but I heard him. My hearing had been better than ever since I woke up from that dream. "She doesn't know, okay?"

"I know, which is why I'm trying to tell her." The man didn't try to lower his voice.

Jerome grabbed the ends of his own hair. "No you're not. If you try to tell her, I'll kill you. I want to keep you alive because I don't want either of us to be the ones who kill you, but I won't hesitate if you tell her."

"Why can't I?"

Jerome inhaled quickly, then started coughing. I was about to step forward to help, but he held a hand up. "I'm fine." When I stepped back to my original position, he lowered his voice again. "Because they'll hurt her. She doesn't know who you are because they tortured her and then wiped her memory last time."

"How do you know?"

Jerome stared at the ground. His grip tightened on his gun, turning his knuckles white. "They, they made me watch." I gasped. Jerome's head whipped toward me. I covered my mouth and coughed, pretending that I hadn't heard. "I can't let her go through it again."

The man hissed, "I'll kill them." Jerome shook his head. "Are they going to do it to me, too?"

Jerome nodded. "I think so."

"Could I tell her something before they do?" Jerome looked hesitant, so the man added, "It won't be anything from before. It shouldn't trigger her memories or affect her at all," the man shook his head, "not if she doesn't remember."

Jerome nodded. "But walk while you talk. I won't listen." Then he started walking. The man walked closer to me while we followed Jerome. 

"Hi, Je- I mean, Soldier Winter."

"Hello," I kept my voice cold, like the wind. The wind blowing on my face burned my eyes. I had lost my mask after the man dropped it.

"I know you don't know who I am," he seemed to choke on the words. "But you used to. I have something I need to tell you." I nodded for him to continue and loosened my grip on my gun. "You probably don't remember Steve, but he was our best friend. I realized something a while ago, something that I should've told you sooner." I sighed; he was taking an awful long time. He glanced at Jerome and leaned closer to me. Mumbling, he told me.

"I'm in love with Steve. And, and he doesn't care about me. Not like that. But it-it wouldn't matter much anyway, would it? Since we couldn't be together. Boys aren't supposed to love boys. That's why I was glad I was dying. But then I landed and I, I'm not dead." Then he looked at where his arm should be, "But I still don't know why this doesn't hurt if it's gone." Then he shook his head. "Anyway, I thought I should tell you since I won't remember after this is all over." Then he started to walk ahead.

This is a memory that I hate looking back on. Everyone always tries to reassure me that it wasn't really me, that I shouldn't blame myself, but I have to. I might've been brainwashed, but I shouldn't have done that. I should've remembered my own brother, no matter what. And I should've been able to respond when he finally admitted his feelings for Steve. He needed to know that someone didn't hate him for it, but I hadn't been able to do that for him.

It took us longer to get back than it should have. My head started to pound as we got closer to the base. Jerome stopped at the fence and turned to look at the man. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't just let you die."

The man ignored him. There were tear stains on his cheeks and his eyes were bloodshot. Halfway there, he had told us that his shoulder hurt now. I had taken the lead, realizing where we were, and Jerome tried to help the man. We led him inside without any trouble. We encountered the same guards that led us to the boss."Here to see Zola?" Jerome nodded. The older one nodded toward our mission. "They know you have a guest?" The younger one stared at me. We nodded again, so they led the way.

Jerome fell in step with me, so I leaned in and whispered, "Zola is the boss's name?"

Jerome chuckled and shook his head. "No. He's the scientist. The boss is Schmidt."

I nodded, embarrassed. "Oh." 

Our "guest" was glaring at us. I heard him mutter under his breath. "I don't see how he's worth betraying your friends." He didn't know I heard him, so I pretended I didn't, but I couldn't help that I gripped the gun even tighter.

The guards opened the doors for us. The younger one grabbed my arm and pulled me out while Jerome led our mission into the lab. I flinched at the smell. "What?"

"Where's your mask?" His question came out as a harsh whisper. 

"I, uh, lost it." I nodded inside. "The man, he ripped it off."

He was about to reply when the older one pushed me inside and shut the door. I blushed as the noise echoed. "Soldier Winter!" Zola was an ugky, short man. I hated how excited they always seemed when they said my name. "Your mission has gone wonderfully! We had some doubts, but it appears everything is okay."

Jerome cleared his throat. "She did not remember anything, sir." Our mission glared at him. "Also, I'd like to help this man immediately. He needs medical attention."

Our mission sobbed and then immediately covered his mouth. I had the urge to hug him, but I resisted it. I kept facing forward and allowed my muscles to relax. Zola nodded and waved him off. "Clean him up. I'll be in shortly with some ideas." Jerome nodded and wrapped an arm around the man, leading him away. Once they were gone, Zola turned back to me. His smile was replaced with a sneer. "Mission report."

I stiffened my back, making myself taller. Then I repeated what had happened to him. I kept my opinions out of it, hiding my emotions. I didn't tell him how I had wanted to puke when I saw the blood, but hid it. I didn't tell him how I wanted to hold the man's hand because I had felt like I'd done it a million times before. I didn't tell him how I knew the man's name and how I realized that we had the same eyes and mouth. I didn't tell him how I knew the man's name was Bucky as soon as he saw me. Because I knew what it would mean for me. I knew that they'd hurt me. It wasn't worth it, especially because I didn't know how I knew the name Bucky before then. Or how he said his name was Bucky, but I wanted to call him James. 

"You may go, soldier. The guards will escort you."

"What about them?"

"Jerome will be there shortly." I left, but not before realizing that he didn't tell me what would happen to Bucky.

"Come on, Soldier Winter." The older one pushed me gently between my shoulder blades. The younger one held the door open and smiled at me as I walked through.

When the door was shut and we were halfway to my room, I spoke up. My voice practically echoed in the empty, cement hallway. "Is there any alcohol?"

The older one chuckled. "What?"

"Are we allowed to get drunk?" They didn't respond, just kept walking and laughing at me. "No, really." I pointed to their earpieces. "Can you ask?" They stopped walking and looked at each other. I crossed my arms and stuck my bottom lip out. Batting my eyelashes, I added, "Please?"

The younger one sighed and asked. A minute later, he nodded. "They said we could, said we all deserved it." 

I grinned, "Let's go!" I grabbed the younger one's arm and pulled. He chuckled.

The older one chuckled, "I'll go get us something. You take her to her room."

The younger one nodded. After we started walking back to my room, I smiled at him. "What's your name?"

He raised his eyebrows. "I'm uh, Soldier Watts."

I rolled my eyes, "But what's your first name?"

His voice was a whisper; he seemed shy. "Edward."

"Cool name, Edward." Then I stopped smiling. "Do you know who our mission was?"

He looked down, walking faster. "I don't think, well, no, I just, I'm not exactly sure if we're allowed to tell you."

"Right."

We made it to the room and I sat on the bed. Looking around, I asked, "I'm not a guest here, am I?" I wasn't sure why I was trying to conversate with my two guards, but they were nicer to me than anyone else had been.

"What do you mean?" Edward leaned against the wall opposite of me.

I leaned against my wall and looked up, then I blinked slowly. "I'm a weapon." He didn't say anything, but I kept talking. "They wiped my memories, didn't they? But I have no clue why. I've never been that good at... well, anything, if I'm honest."

"You're a good fighter." The other guard was back. "And I'm sure you have other talents." Then he held the bottles up, "Now, let's stop being serious. Who knows when we'll have this opportunity again." I grinned and grabbed one.

Jerome came back after we finished the first bottle. I hadn't noticed that he walked in; the world was a blur as I laughed at Edward. "Uh, what's going on?"

I looked at him and laughed. "Jerome!" I ran and jumped into his arms; he stumbled before catching himself on the door and laughing. "We're drinking."

"Yeah?"

Edward raised the new bottle. "Join us, soldier."

"Okay, sure." He walked toward them with me still wrapped around his waist. Taking a drink out of the cup that Edward poured, he asked, "Are we allowed to do this?"

The other guard, who's name I couldn't remember, nodded. "Yeah. They allowed it. Just said I had to stay sober, so here I am." He poured me another glass, then reached into his pocket and grabbed a pack of cigarettes. "'Least I can smoke."

Jerome took another drink as I downed mine. He watched me while I giggled into his shoulder over nothing. "You smoke?"

"Asthma, man. Doctors gave 'em to me to help, but now I can't last long without them." For some reason, I started to cry. "Woah, what's going on?"

I hiccuped, the smell of alcohol wafting into my face, "I, I, he used, I remember, I don't know, his name, but I-" I covered my mouth and fell to the floor.

The trio had blue eyes. Two boys, one girl. The taller boy had hair that matched the girl's, a dark brown shade that stood out against the shorter boy's blonde hair. The shorter boy laughed when the girl punched the taller one.

"What are you laughing at, Stevie?" The girl, who I now realized was me, sounded mad, but the smile on her face said otherwise.

"Stevie" took a step back, holding his arms up in the universal sign of surrender. The taller boy laughed this time, "Little Stevie's scared to fight a girl."

"I never back down a fight, but there's no way I could fight a friend." The girl grinned and lightly pushed him.

They started to walk down the sidewalk. The girl watched the sun set, filling the sky with purple and red. She smiled, seeing the pink clouds move. Then Stevie started coughing. "Steve, what's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Asthma," he lit a cigarette. The girl watched the smoke, but the boys watched each other.

"You'd never survive war, Stevie. There's no way they'll let you in with those lungs."

"Shut it, Buck." Buck?

The girl rolled her eyes. "Why does it feel like we've known each other forever?"

The boy with the name which sounded awfully familiar smirked. "Dear sister, I've known you since the day I was born." She rolled her eyes, causing "Buck" to shrug. "We've met Steve before, you know."

"What?"

Steve stepped forward, taking a drag on his cigarette, which made the girl wrinkle her nose. "We met a couple years ago. Well, me and Bucky did." He took another drag, watching the smoke himself. "But I've seen you around."

"You guys knew each other before?"

"Yes, doll."

"But when I met him, it seemed like you were just meeting." The girl scowled.

"Yeah, well, you two were just meeting, so I played along."

The girl scoffed. "Right. No big deal." Then she started walking again, too betrayed to appreciate the beautiful sky. 

Steve started coughing again. Bucky laughed, "Stevie and his cigarettes."

I opened my eyes. All I saw was the shoes that Jerome wore. "Stevie and his cigarettes," I muttered.

Edward laughed, but Jerome watched me with concern while I sat up. The other guard chuckled, "I think you may have had too much to drink, little one."

I held on to Jerome's leg, trying to steady the spinning room. I couldn't shake the memory from my head. Who were those boys and how did I know them? I grabbed Jerome's drink and chugged the rest of it. He grabbed my arm and mumbled, "Jemma. Slow down."

I ignored him and looked at the guards. "Can I have a cigarette?"

"Uh, I guess..." The older guard pulled the pack out and lit another cigarette. I put it to my lips as soon as he handed it to me. The smoke filled my lungs and I closed my mouth to smother my cough. I watched the smoke.

"What's your name?" I kept my eyes on the cigarette but pointed to the guard.

"Thomas, soldier."

"Ah. Well, thanks for the smoke, Thomas."

"No problem, kid. Your boy's right, though. Take it easy."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm fine." 

But in reality, I didn't feel fine. I had remembered who Bucky was: our mission. I didn't know who Steve was, but Bucky was in love with him. He had told me so, and the way they watched each other in my flashback proved his words. As soon as Steve had started coughing, Bucky was hunched over him, making sure he was okay. His eyes had softened when he looked away from me and at Steve, he had smiled as soon as Steve started to laugh. But he must not have realized that Steve looked at him the exact same way...


	12. Thanks for reading!

The second book is completed and uploaded, so I hope you read it! The series gets better as it goes, and I’m hoping to put more focus on the boys rather than Jemma. I just thought it was best to include her story, as well.

**Author's Note:**

> The majority of this story is written in Jemma Barnes' perspective. It follows the plot of Captain America: The First Avenger, but it's main focus is Jemma's story and the relationship between Steve and Bucky. This is a boyxboy fan-fiction, so if those kind of stories make you uncomfortable, stop reading now.  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> Lots of love,  
> xx


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